Thursday, November 18, 2010
trying to break a piece of wood
It begins with me staring down at my obstacle, trying not to feel like an idiot.
I first have to accept that I am, in fact, just a dumb kid who watches too many youtube videos. To honestly expect to successfully "focus my chi" as diluted advertisements portray really is foolhardy, and a little pathetic. This in itself is a dilemma because for some reason I've come to the conclusion that I Can feel some kind of power within my being, but why not use an already wasted night alone as a day to ... Pretend? Let's play along with my delusion.
I am constantly re adjusting my stance, knowing full well that I have NO idea how I should really be standing. try my best to remember that feeling within me. It's almost like rage; "intense anger/hate" is how I used to try to explain it to my friends, but after a time I came to realize there's no malice in it. It boils and ex p A n ds and empowers but it does not seem to blind me like anger. Using my hands (like in the movies!) as physical symbols I imagine churning and shaping this power, carrying it up from my abdomen into my chest where another glob of whatever is pushing to get out. Once contained within my ribs I imagine compressing it and pushing it up and down to get a feeling of the movement. It feels like it's vibrating, and it easily slips through my poor excuse of a consciousness, but in time I grow confidant of my sculpting abilities.
I look to the task at hand, then, realizing how impossible this is, close my eyes and try not to think about that. It IS possible. There is no such thing as no such thing yeah?
Sure..why not...
I begin twisting the fuzzy something within me up and guide it into my hand. My logic bit doesn't really like the mechanics of it, because to push it into my arm it wants to raise both arms to my sternum but with the shape and positioning of my arm liquids and gases would not flow nicely to my palm. Again, I try not to think to hard on it. It's not something flowing within me, it's me flowing within... well, the universe I suppose. This universe, me, this feeling, this 2X4, we're all really the same "Thing" yes? sure. I begin to mimic the rise and fall that seems to be ... being... around me. My hand raises, a string pulling on my wrist, and the same force lifts my body like waves. Interestingly enough, I have to adjust my breathing to IT, not the other way around. I stand, legs slightly more than shoulder length apart, knees bent, one hand in front of me with fingers splayed out, the other still up by my chest for some reason.
ONE...
When I get to.. well, four-but after I count to three, my hand will carry through the air, PAST the wood. Because that's how you work with obstacles. Striking against them only validates their defensive disposition towards you.
TWO...
I know what needs to be done, I understand the action, the perspective, and the need to carry through with my decision. My hand is the only physical piece of me, the rest has become some sort of... incorporeal maroon/yellow warmness. My body will also follow and push my entire weight into my arm. But it's not like I can really do it. I feel so sure of the simplicity and beauty within this moment. I am not going to do it.
THREE...
I lower my hand on the count and begin to rise it a fourth time BUT IT'S TOO SOON! Reality hits me and my confidence shatters like sugar glass. I Pause there with my arm cocked like a cat's paw raised to my nose. I stand frozen in the realization that it's not going to work. BUT I CAN DO IT!! I just have to try again.
I take a minute to calm myself again. Breathing in. Breathing out.
After all of this the feeling never left, it just got... cooled off. like honey in the freezer, It just needs to be reheated
ONE...
The only thing stopping me is myself, Well, and Possibly God. The latter is doing this for my own safety, I know, and I WANT him there. He's there to make sure I don't hurt myself, or worse, someone who doesn't deserve it. While my thinker is being conveniently distracted my subconscious has continued the exercise and remained focused at the task at hand.
TWO...
I will not hesitate this time. I've spent nearly an hour standing here in my garage. I am SO ready. The stuff within me is charging up like a Kame-Hame-Ha from Dragon Ball Z. It's going to be so intense.
THREE...
Nothing. I am completely relaxed. It isn't until my hand is halfway up do I realize how hard I'm concentrating on my arm. Images of what I'm doing flash in my head and I want to brace for impact. Grr.. I'm over analyzing it again and I know it but I don't know how to stop myself. Once again I stand poised but I try not to give myself time-
My hand comes down. The power surging through my body rushes to my hand but... Oh. It doesn't stop at my hand but instead dissipates out my fingers. Too late to stop now.
Contact ensuesWHAM!
Nothing.
...[insert preferred obscenity]...
Why can't I do what I want to do? So what if it's stupid, I think it's art, and it makes me HAPPY. I am told again and AGAIN that nothing is impossible (and maybe I've taken it a little too literally) but there's so much I can't do even when it DOES coincide with the laws of physics. Am I just .... too stupid? Should I grow up and stop letting these day-dreams take up the time I could be spending earning money? Is it "just not my time?"
For everything that I have, what's the point if I can't MAKE something of it?
I first have to accept that I am, in fact, just a dumb kid who watches too many youtube videos. To honestly expect to successfully "focus my chi" as diluted advertisements portray really is foolhardy, and a little pathetic. This in itself is a dilemma because for some reason I've come to the conclusion that I Can feel some kind of power within my being, but why not use an already wasted night alone as a day to ... Pretend? Let's play along with my delusion.
I am constantly re adjusting my stance, knowing full well that I have NO idea how I should really be standing. try my best to remember that feeling within me. It's almost like rage; "intense anger/hate" is how I used to try to explain it to my friends, but after a time I came to realize there's no malice in it. It boils and ex p A n ds and empowers but it does not seem to blind me like anger. Using my hands (like in the movies!) as physical symbols I imagine churning and shaping this power, carrying it up from my abdomen into my chest where another glob of whatever is pushing to get out. Once contained within my ribs I imagine compressing it and pushing it up and down to get a feeling of the movement. It feels like it's vibrating, and it easily slips through my poor excuse of a consciousness, but in time I grow confidant of my sculpting abilities.
I look to the task at hand, then, realizing how impossible this is, close my eyes and try not to think about that. It IS possible. There is no such thing as no such thing yeah?
Sure..why not...
I begin twisting the fuzzy something within me up and guide it into my hand. My logic bit doesn't really like the mechanics of it, because to push it into my arm it wants to raise both arms to my sternum but with the shape and positioning of my arm liquids and gases would not flow nicely to my palm. Again, I try not to think to hard on it. It's not something flowing within me, it's me flowing within... well, the universe I suppose. This universe, me, this feeling, this 2X4, we're all really the same "Thing" yes? sure. I begin to mimic the rise and fall that seems to be ... being... around me. My hand raises, a string pulling on my wrist, and the same force lifts my body like waves. Interestingly enough, I have to adjust my breathing to IT, not the other way around. I stand, legs slightly more than shoulder length apart, knees bent, one hand in front of me with fingers splayed out, the other still up by my chest for some reason.
ONE...
When I get to.. well, four-but after I count to three, my hand will carry through the air, PAST the wood. Because that's how you work with obstacles. Striking against them only validates their defensive disposition towards you.
TWO...
I know what needs to be done, I understand the action, the perspective, and the need to carry through with my decision. My hand is the only physical piece of me, the rest has become some sort of... incorporeal maroon/yellow warmness. My body will also follow and push my entire weight into my arm. But it's not like I can really do it. I feel so sure of the simplicity and beauty within this moment. I am not going to do it.
THREE...
I lower my hand on the count and begin to rise it a fourth time BUT IT'S TOO SOON! Reality hits me and my confidence shatters like sugar glass. I Pause there with my arm cocked like a cat's paw raised to my nose. I stand frozen in the realization that it's not going to work. BUT I CAN DO IT!! I just have to try again.
I take a minute to calm myself again. Breathing in. Breathing out.
After all of this the feeling never left, it just got... cooled off. like honey in the freezer, It just needs to be reheated
ONE...
The only thing stopping me is myself, Well, and Possibly God. The latter is doing this for my own safety, I know, and I WANT him there. He's there to make sure I don't hurt myself, or worse, someone who doesn't deserve it. While my thinker is being conveniently distracted my subconscious has continued the exercise and remained focused at the task at hand.
TWO...
I will not hesitate this time. I've spent nearly an hour standing here in my garage. I am SO ready. The stuff within me is charging up like a Kame-Hame-Ha from Dragon Ball Z. It's going to be so intense.
THREE...
Nothing. I am completely relaxed. It isn't until my hand is halfway up do I realize how hard I'm concentrating on my arm. Images of what I'm doing flash in my head and I want to brace for impact. Grr.. I'm over analyzing it again and I know it but I don't know how to stop myself. Once again I stand poised but I try not to give myself time-
My hand comes down. The power surging through my body rushes to my hand but... Oh. It doesn't stop at my hand but instead dissipates out my fingers. Too late to stop now.
Contact ensuesWHAM!
Nothing.
...[insert preferred obscenity]...
Why can't I do what I want to do? So what if it's stupid, I think it's art, and it makes me HAPPY. I am told again and AGAIN that nothing is impossible (and maybe I've taken it a little too literally) but there's so much I can't do even when it DOES coincide with the laws of physics. Am I just .... too stupid? Should I grow up and stop letting these day-dreams take up the time I could be spending earning money? Is it "just not my time?"
For everything that I have, what's the point if I can't MAKE something of it?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
:3 Arrawrrawr 0w0
Emoticons are just modern day hieroglyphics. It's not a big deal guys.
I've been thinking to hard lately, and it's starting to really hurt. The worst part is I don't feel like I'm making any progress; It's all just white noise stirred in with glitches of multiple T.V. channels in three different languages (English, Deutsch, and Xhosa) all screaming at me simultaneously.
Pressing ON, pressing ON... Pressing... on.
It's hard for me to accept that time needs to pass for things to come together. For all of my bragging that "I understand something cool" it doesn't change the necessity of being dragged through the processes. I really wish I could express that correctly so someone else out there didn't FrEaK OUT as much as I do.
You know, I tend to come to feel that if I could just be the one that SHOWS someone how to transcend this crap I would feel accomplished. I'm not sure if I believe that though. It sounds more like I'm trying to be all noble or something.
How IS it that other people can have SUCH confidence in their beliefs? Hey, don't get me wrong, I can play off of a faith as much as the next guy, but to have such a surety of something to attempt to destroy others findings? How can you see so well that you KNOW what someone else has seen? I refuse to believe that the truth is amorphous but I know human perceptions are! All we have to confirm our beliefs are emotions. Chemicals. Doesn't that freak anyone else out?
K, wait.
Taking a step back from the vivacious noisemaker, I Have come to conclusions on things that I personally CANNOT deny are true. To be able to predict an outcome based on previous observations has to count for SOMETHING, right? Hehe, unless the human mind really can bend the universe with delusions, as some people believe. But that's just.. SICK.
No. I cannot accept that, to do so would be to accept madness. This is the conclusion I come to every time: That I have to set a cornerstone to my beliefs, build myself off of that, and desperately hope with every fiber of my being that it won't let me down.
I've been thinking to hard lately, and it's starting to really hurt. The worst part is I don't feel like I'm making any progress; It's all just white noise stirred in with glitches of multiple T.V. channels in three different languages (English, Deutsch, and Xhosa) all screaming at me simultaneously.
Pressing ON, pressing ON... Pressing... on.
It's hard for me to accept that time needs to pass for things to come together. For all of my bragging that "I understand something cool" it doesn't change the necessity of being dragged through the processes. I really wish I could express that correctly so someone else out there didn't FrEaK OUT as much as I do.
You know, I tend to come to feel that if I could just be the one that SHOWS someone how to transcend this crap I would feel accomplished. I'm not sure if I believe that though. It sounds more like I'm trying to be all noble or something.
How IS it that other people can have SUCH confidence in their beliefs? Hey, don't get me wrong, I can play off of a faith as much as the next guy, but to have such a surety of something to attempt to destroy others findings? How can you see so well that you KNOW what someone else has seen? I refuse to believe that the truth is amorphous but I know human perceptions are! All we have to confirm our beliefs are emotions. Chemicals. Doesn't that freak anyone else out?
K, wait.
Taking a step back from the vivacious noisemaker, I Have come to conclusions on things that I personally CANNOT deny are true. To be able to predict an outcome based on previous observations has to count for SOMETHING, right? Hehe, unless the human mind really can bend the universe with delusions, as some people believe. But that's just.. SICK.
No. I cannot accept that, to do so would be to accept madness. This is the conclusion I come to every time: That I have to set a cornerstone to my beliefs, build myself off of that, and desperately hope with every fiber of my being that it won't let me down.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
finding truth
Do not seek to become wise. Seek what the wise sought.
It's the small day to day experiences that make us who we are, the decision whether or not to be angry at another person's folly, the attitude you set for yourself in the morning. The tempests and thunderings only solidify or break our character. They cannot create.
I'm done working. I've finally got all my missionary papers in order and just waiting until it's time for my last preparations before I leave my home for two years in an attempt to awaken a mind or two. I'm not afraid to go wherever I'm sent, but I'm deathly afraid of finding out i can't go for some strange reason.
We'll see
It's the small day to day experiences that make us who we are, the decision whether or not to be angry at another person's folly, the attitude you set for yourself in the morning. The tempests and thunderings only solidify or break our character. They cannot create.
I'm done working. I've finally got all my missionary papers in order and just waiting until it's time for my last preparations before I leave my home for two years in an attempt to awaken a mind or two. I'm not afraid to go wherever I'm sent, but I'm deathly afraid of finding out i can't go for some strange reason.
We'll see
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