Not going crazy

I've probably never mentioned this, but I have a tendency to chortle deviously when I realize something horrible about the world/my situation/other people. It really isn't something I can control without concentrating on it really hard, and it's one reason I'm glad I don't share a room with someone (I tend to let it all out right before I go to sleep. Sometimes minutes on end). It's not a very pleasant giggle either, but a maniacal half whimper that sort of bUrsts from my lungs without warning.
I bring this up because recently whenever I've realized a girl was flirting with me I've had to run away and literally take a moment to compose myself.
I wonder if this is because I'm leaving on my mission soon...

Man, my blog sucks

So the other day my friend comes to me and she's REALLY happy. This isn't really strange but I asked her why anyway. In response she showed me this blog


HYPERBOLE AND A HALF
Google it!

You should go there too. I recommend it to anyone that can read with their eyes.
Reading just a post or two brightens up my day. It's hilarious!

But anyway, I was saying:

I was looking at it and giggling and all that jazz, and looked back at my blog

O.O

T-T

I wish I was funny

My complaints

It's been a while since I've tried to write
tried to fight
I've been sitting here beneath the light
of this plastic halo that's getting too heavy for me
I'm not afraid
nah, I've never been afraid
not afraid of the world, at least.

I'm getting SO tired of being reminded how stupid I am!
It's high time I start moving on
write a song
move to LA and wear a thong
OR SOMETHING!

You know you're in trouble
when you're dreaming of change
ANY change
begging for it so much you vote on the first guy that sings it out...
But no
The last thing I want is to wake up and wonder who I could have been
Hell Is knowing things could have been better

Regrets? I've had a few
I envy those who brag of such freedom
I wish I hadn't asked
I wish I hadn't said
I wish I hadn't looked
I wish I hadn't kissed her in the cold night as she crossed her fingers
But what can you do, you know?
I try to move on,
keeping a sharp eye on the big picture
crossing the other
to see the future
You wonder why my face is funny?
It's what I get for thinking too much!
Hahah... ah...

I'm beginning to doubt that anyone can help me
You can't fix what isn't broken, right?
And me? I'm not broken!
You have to be made for something first to know it you aren't working right
RIGHT?
...
No, this really is not working
monkey wrenches might suffice to replace suspenders
But you still know there's something better out there..
Out There....
I really hope there's something for me to be looking for out there.

trying to break a piece of wood

It begins with me staring down at my obstacle, trying not to feel like an idiot.

I first have to accept that I am, in fact, just a dumb kid who watches too many youtube videos. To honestly expect to successfully "focus my chi" as diluted advertisements portray really is foolhardy, and a little pathetic. This in itself is a dilemma because for some reason I've come to the conclusion that I Can feel some kind of power within my being, but why not use an already wasted night alone as a day to ... Pretend? Let's play along with my delusion.

I am constantly re adjusting my stance, knowing full well that I have NO idea how I should really be standing. try my best to remember that feeling within me. It's almost like rage; "intense anger/hate" is how I used to try to explain it to my friends, but after a time I came to realize there's no malice in it. It boils and ex p A n ds and empowers but it does not seem to blind me like anger. Using my hands (like in the movies!) as physical symbols I imagine churning and shaping this power, carrying it up from my abdomen into my chest where another glob of whatever is pushing to get out. Once contained within my ribs I imagine compressing it and pushing it up and down to get a feeling of the movement. It feels like it's vibrating, and it easily slips through my poor excuse of a consciousness, but in time I grow confidant of my sculpting abilities.

I look to the task at hand, then, realizing how impossible this is, close my eyes and try not to think about that. It IS possible. There is no such thing as no such thing yeah?
Sure..why not...
I begin twisting the fuzzy something within me up and guide it into my hand. My logic bit doesn't really like the mechanics of it, because to push it into my arm it wants to raise both arms to my sternum but with the shape and positioning of my arm liquids and gases would not flow nicely to my palm. Again, I try not to think to hard on it. It's not something flowing within me, it's me flowing within... well, the universe I suppose. This universe, me, this feeling, this 2X4, we're all really the same "Thing" yes? sure. I begin to mimic the rise and fall that seems to be ... being... around me. My hand raises, a string pulling on my wrist, and the same force lifts my body like waves. Interestingly enough, I have to adjust my breathing to IT, not the other way around. I stand, legs slightly more than shoulder length apart, knees bent, one hand in front of me with fingers splayed out, the other still up by my chest for some reason.

ONE...
When I get to.. well, four-but after I count to three, my hand will carry through the air, PAST the wood. Because that's how you work with obstacles. Striking against them only validates their defensive disposition towards you.

TWO...
I know what needs to be done, I understand the action, the perspective, and the need to carry through with my decision. My hand is the only physical piece of me, the rest has become some sort of... incorporeal maroon/yellow warmness. My body will also follow and push my entire weight into my arm. But it's not like I can really do it. I feel so sure of the simplicity and beauty within this moment. I am not going to do it.

THREE...
I lower my hand on the count and begin to rise it a fourth time BUT IT'S TOO SOON! Reality hits me and my confidence shatters like sugar glass. I Pause there with my arm cocked like a cat's paw raised to my nose. I stand frozen in the realization that it's not going to work. BUT I CAN DO IT!! I just have to try again.

I take a minute to calm myself again. Breathing in. Breathing out.
After all of this the feeling never left, it just got... cooled off. like honey in the freezer, It just needs to be reheated

ONE...
The only thing stopping me is myself, Well, and Possibly God. The latter is doing this for my own safety, I know, and I WANT him there. He's there to make sure I don't hurt myself, or worse, someone who doesn't deserve it. While my thinker is being conveniently distracted my subconscious has continued the exercise and remained focused at the task at hand.

TWO...
I will not hesitate this time. I've spent nearly an hour standing here in my garage. I am SO ready. The stuff within me is charging up like a Kame-Hame-Ha from Dragon Ball Z. It's going to be so intense.

THREE...
Nothing. I am completely relaxed. It isn't until my hand is halfway up do I realize how hard I'm concentrating on my arm. Images of what I'm doing flash in my head and I want to brace for impact. Grr.. I'm over analyzing it again and I know it but I don't know how to stop myself. Once again I stand poised but I try not to give myself time-

My hand comes down. The power surging through my body rushes to my hand but... Oh. It doesn't stop at my hand but instead dissipates out my fingers. Too late to stop now.

Contact ensuesWHAM!

Nothing.




...[insert preferred obscenity]...



Why can't I do what I want to do? So what if it's stupid, I think it's art, and it makes me HAPPY. I am told again and AGAIN that nothing is impossible (and maybe I've taken it a little too literally) but there's so much I can't do even when it DOES coincide with the laws of physics. Am I just .... too stupid? Should I grow up and stop letting these day-dreams take up the time I could be spending earning money? Is it "just not my time?"
For everything that I have, what's the point if I can't MAKE something of it?

:3 Arrawrrawr 0w0

Emoticons are just modern day hieroglyphics. It's not a big deal guys.

I've been thinking to hard lately, and it's starting to really hurt. The worst part is I don't feel like I'm making any progress; It's all just white noise stirred in with glitches of multiple T.V. channels in three different languages (English, Deutsch, and Xhosa) all screaming at me simultaneously.
Pressing ON, pressing ON... Pressing... on.

It's hard for me to accept that time needs to pass for things to come together. For all of my bragging that "I understand something cool" it doesn't change the necessity of being dragged through the processes. I really wish I could express that correctly so someone else out there didn't FrEaK OUT as much as I do.

You know, I tend to come to feel that if I could just be the one that SHOWS someone how to transcend this crap I would feel accomplished. I'm not sure if I believe that though. It sounds more like I'm trying to be all noble or something.



How IS it that other people can have SUCH confidence in their beliefs? Hey, don't get me wrong, I can play off of a faith as much as the next guy, but to have such a surety of something to attempt to destroy others findings? How can you see so well that you KNOW what someone else has seen? I refuse to believe that the truth is amorphous but I know human perceptions are! All we have to confirm our beliefs are emotions. Chemicals. Doesn't that freak anyone else out?

K, wait.

Taking a step back from the vivacious noisemaker, I Have come to conclusions on things that I personally CANNOT deny are true. To be able to predict an outcome based on previous observations has to count for SOMETHING, right? Hehe, unless the human mind really can bend the universe with delusions, as some people believe. But that's just.. SICK.

No. I cannot accept that, to do so would be to accept madness. This is the conclusion I come to every time: That I have to set a cornerstone to my beliefs, build myself off of that, and desperately hope with every fiber of my being that it won't let me down.

finding truth

Do not seek to become wise. Seek what the wise sought.

It's the small day to day experiences that make us who we are, the decision whether or not to be angry at another person's folly, the attitude you set for yourself in the morning. The tempests and thunderings only solidify or break our character. They cannot create.

I'm done working. I've finally got all my missionary papers in order and just waiting until it's time for my last preparations before I leave my home for two years in an attempt to awaken a mind or two. I'm not afraid to go wherever I'm sent, but I'm deathly afraid of finding out i can't go for some strange reason.
We'll see

"Houston, we have a problem" "...Who is this? How did you get this number?"

pearls before swine observed

So you've learned how ridiculous people can be. You see above the petty "hush hush" of taboos and that words are just
Written Oral Random noises Depicting implied Significance.

(K that didn't work so well, but the point remains!)

Good!

But..

What's the difference between Taboo and sacred? Maybe "Inappropriate" actually means just that; that there's a time and place for everything, and after the shock-value has worn down, you still have to live with the words you've spoken.


Yes, unfortunately, most people DON'T understand these things, most people either fall to one side of the spectrum or the other making fools of themselves in an effort to "Show us how it's done".

I certainly shouldn't pretend to understand any of it. What's right to one is wrong to another, and no matter how sensitive you try to be, half of this dance relies on the counterpart to pay attention as well. So all you can do is attempt to maintain a sense of understanding, pay constant attention to what's really important, and continually forgiven yourself and those around you. Most people don't really MEAN to harm other people, they just have different viewpoints that they work through.
Ha, I have come to love the saying of not to "cast your pearls before swine"
:O It sounds so offensive!
but really, spewing out your inner thoughts and precious things unwittingly, or at the wrong time, won't do anyone any good. People will naturally take things and see how it works to them, whether it be an idea or a shotgun. It WILL be used, and without knowledge of it's proper implementation be MISused. AND THEN, it will be passed on like a really good game of telephone- Only it's not funny 'cause the thing being twisted and molested was once important to someone.

and This is where the fear of speaking of sacred things started.

This fear was then twisted and overtaxed ITSELF, 'causing people to hide themselves in shame and anger when the wrong things were spoken.
Well, most people. The awesome-rebellious minority insisted on ALL TRUTH BE OUT! Drag it out of it's room and expose it to the world! YES?

Do you see a cycle?


When I first saw it I laughed. It's great! the cycled builds ITSELF and won't stop until it reaches it's critical mass! And both sides are fighting SO hard dreaming of the SAME end result while ignorantly destroying everything!

It's so FUNNY
but not in real life.
The casualties are in the form of relationships, ideas, and knowledge, all of which have very small corpses. Most people don't even see them pass.

We're all just trying to find our way
just trying to make our place
In this place where there's always a conspiracy
where apparently everyone knows more than you
but at the same time, they think you think you do
Can you understand me? If I say that I'm as confused as you
do you think its just a ploy to make you feel better about yourself?
that's why most people say that these days.

Maybe I really do see these strings, maybe not. Even if I did, I don't know how to work without them.

I wonder if anyone does

THE DANGEROUS DESICION!

Lately I have been worrying that people may have lost interest in my blog, or that it has become to weird or whiny for anyone else to really find it interesting.

But I HAVE COME TO A CONCLUSION!

I think I may have started this blog with different intentions, but as of now, this is just going to be my thoughts place. :P Sorry, it's not particularly for people to read (though I'm not going to lie, nothing feels better than to have people read and build off of this stuff!!) Its' purpose is for me to write and reflect upon later foremost.

SO~ Yes, I would LOVE to have people comment 'cause it makes me feel not so crazy, and I'll post videos and pictures that entertain me (and might entertain you as well) But I'm just going to be posting my thoughts and Ideas, so you people probably aren't going to like it anymore.

Omnisong

This world has nothing to do with anything!
you're here to make you make yourself
while it makes itself for cheap as free!

To have it all and lose it all
is nothing unless you want it all
and greed like that
is highly frowned upon
in the Real world

All is fair in love and war
and anything with cheese
unless you take the pickles out
then its a crappy hamburger

DON'T TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME
you will only hurt yourself
I've done it plenty of times
hurt myself I mean
I'm not trying to be the best
just the best that I can be
and maybe only maybe then
can I do something for you

I have danced the tango
the tango I have danced
I have eaten mangoes
with mangoes I have danced
With-
out a sense of encouragement
but don't dare try to hate
I try and then I try
and then I try and then I try
and then I try and then I try
and then I'm late.
Great.


DON'T TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME!
you will only hurt yourself
I've done it plenty of times
hurt myself I mean
I say I could be perfect
You say that I'm a dork
If your right, why am I smiling?
my smarts float like a cork!
I

DON'T

WANT to hate you
but you try to hate yourself
how can I love someone who WANTS to rot up on their shelf?

THIS WORLD HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH NOTHING
your life has everything to do with something

Random makes the world go round
money just makes it look sort of sound
Money is so funny
you know I'm right 'cause it rhymes!!

breaking the system breaks yourself
Now, breaking yourself builds you up
Unless you break the system
Yes, The system kills the weak
because the system makes us break
But we all hate ourselves anyway
what difference does it make?

The more dizzying the intellect
the more interesting I seem
the more logical I say something
the more I tear your seams
OR?
can I say that you don't know?
I don't know myself
I try to myself
I pretend to myself
I don't really hate myself
yet to myself I lie
why?

DON'T TRY TO UNDERSTAND YOURSELF
you'll only hurt someone
I've done it many times
hurt someone I mean

These are a few of my favorite things
they're here to make me laugh
when you laugh at me and over me
and next to me, I laugh with me
but you don't laugh at laughing
you laugh at the pain you give
I laugh at the pain I give myself
not that kumquats can do that sort of thing, right?

Laughing is there to relieve the pressure
of stress of stress of hurt
When you laugh to hurt others
your breaking the system.
The system builds us up when we break ourselves
To break this system is to give ourselves
THE INCURABLE CANCER OF THE SOUL

DON'T TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME
or why I laugh at jokes
I've done it plenty of times
laugh at jokes I mean

To relate everything with nothing
Is to relate everything with something
for nothing at that moment is something
now, something can be anything
and anything is a piece of everything
nothing=everything
*when wearing Einstein glasses

True nothing happens nowhere
though my computer says
it happens anywhere
or everywhere
I wonder how that works

Does your mind make up your words?
Mine doesn't
Mine doesn't mind though
I leave it up to the
one no one sees
but still seems to believe
or at least believes in the lack thereof

When I hope someone reads this
its only for my pride
at least that's what my tomato says
I have not tomato'd
I lied.

This world has everything to do with everything!

Oh Deary me

Well you know that I'm a loser 'cause my wounds are self inflicted
and I know it's unproductive to be judging and indictive
but I'm falling down this hole again just like I had predicted
and no matter what I do I simply
can.
not.
seem.
to.
STOP
So back when I was young
I had a whiny little song
about a girl inside my head
and how I wished that I was dead
but then I opened up my eyes and saw
that everybody else
was just as freaking dumb
as me so now I
just
don't
care
But that's a lie.
I always will
and I don't know why
oh crap.
I didn't mean to rhyme
that time.


hehe

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

My brother just found a great sale on these trading cards that aren't sold anywhere else! XD he bought a box of Ten decks (roughly fifty(?) cards each) and sent them to my place 'cause he's nice like that (and his fellow marines would probably make fun of him :P)

on the blue note
something's wrong with my job. I haven't been paid for over two weeks now, and I can't get a hold of the person in charge of giving me money!! :( that sucks.

I also did something REALLY stupid the other day that has made my life a lot harder. I'm not really going to go into it, but it's just one of those things you promise yourself you'll never do... then one day you suddenly find yourself doing it?
BLARG.


Life still isn't particularly interesting, but Maybe some of these photo's will make this blog worth it to you readers:

If only

An advertisement for a show I was in :)






I know ghostbusters is pretty old and all, but this is actually really funny






YAY!!

Huh.

It's kinda been a while, I 'Spose. Not that nothing has happened, or that I have lost interest in blogging. I just haven't in a while.
Work is still cool somehow, but they say it's going to get exponentially more hectic as halloween approaches. Bring it on, I say.

I've got a musical performance coming up this wednesday. Wee

Holy crap. I am Theriouthly Boring MYTHELF right now. Sorry guys.

Maybe you should comment. Yeah, you in the back there that never says anything. Say something deep that we can expound upon and possibly re....


re....


......re....

what the heck is that word? Re....consider? no... re...jeepers!.................um.... Re... REEEEWHAT!!!?


......




maybe we can see it in a different light. reevaluate? no.... Review? no... Well Butter my bunions! I'm as stumped as a squirrel in a blender! O.o


maybe I should go to bed.

Alma 29

O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!
2 Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth.

3 But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me.

4 I ought not to harrow up in my desires, the firm decree of a just God, for I know that he granteth unto men according to their desire, whether it be unto death or unto life; yea, I know that he allotteth unto men, yea, decreeth unto them decrees which are unalterable, according to their wills, whether they be unto salvation or unto destruction.

5 Yea, and I know that good and evil have come before all men; he that knoweth not good from evil is blameless; but he that knoweth good and evil, to him it is given according to his desires, whether he desireth good or evil, life or death, joy or remorse of conscious.

6 Now, seeing that I know these things, why should I desire more than to perform the work to which I have been called?

7 Why should I desire that I were an angel, that I could speak unto all the ends of the earth?

8 For behold, the Lord doth grant unto all nations, of their own nation and tongue, to teach his word, yea, in wisdom, all that he seeth fit that they should have; therefore we see that the Lord doth counsel in wisdom, according to that which is just and true.

9 I know that which the Lord hath commanded me, and I glory in it. I do not glory of myself, but I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance; and this is my joy.

10 And behold, when I see many of my brethren truly penitent, and coming to the Lord their God, then is my soul filled with joy; then do I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he hath heard my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he extended towards me.

11 Yea, and I also remember the captivity of my fathers; for I surely do know that the lord did deliver them out of bondage, and by this did establish his church; yea, the Lord God, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, did deliver them out of bondage.

12 Yea, I have always remembered the captivity of my fathers; and that same God who delivered them out of the hands of the Egyptians did deliver them out of bondage.

13 Yea, and that same God did establish his church among them; yea, and that same God hath called me by a holy calling, to preach the word unto this people, and hath given me much success, in the which my joy is full.

14 But I do not joy in my own success alone, but my joy is more full because of the success of my brethren, who have been up to the land of Nephi.

15 Behold, they have labored exceedingly, and have brought forth much fruit; and how great shall be their reward!

16 Now, when I think of the success of these my brethren my soul is carried away, even to the separation of it from the body, as it were, so great is my joy.

17 And now may God grant unto these, my brethren, that they may sit down in the kingdom of God; yea, and also all those who are the fruit of their labors that they may go no more out, but that they may praise him forever. And may God grant that it may be done according to my words, even as I have spoken. Amen.

graveyard number the next one!

The novelty of living nocturnally amidst a diurnal community has yet to lose its appeal :) Though I'm not gonna lie, it's been messing with my mind quite a bit...
And I also haven't had much time for other people, which really isn't anything new after one starts working full time, but i am still saddened :(


But life is good. I bought a new pair of pants and two new shirts... I'm trying EVER SO HARD not to buy this Odatchi (Choken? Nodatchi? extra long Katana?) I found at the mall but it's SO BEAUTIFUL!!

Yeah, I'm a martial weapons fanatic (like my brother before me) weapons, bugs, music, ballroom dance.

BEETS.
BEARS.
BATTLE STAR GALACTICA.

Well... That's all I got right now... Oh ps: the yellow rockstar is really good :) and much healthier than other energy drinks (i'm pretty sure? I shouldn't pretend to know I 'spose..)
Anyway

Have a good day today ok!?

Graveyard shift Day one

changing my internal clock is a work in progress, but I think I'm adjusting fast enough. Noon here is four Thirty a.m. for me. I go to bed at Ten thirty at the same time high-school girls are waking up at six to start on their hair. The sun sets at one pm, about the same time I go to work :) It's a fun game.

I've been kinda slacking off on my appointments like Voice lessons and therapy, but to be fair, neither of them are talking to me either. I went to the mall and bought some new shirts yesterday too :P I didn't want to but they were just SO adorable! XD I couldn't resist.

O.o

Anyway. So yeah. Work rocks, I'm making lots of money, Oh! and I played a show at a new venue the other day! THAT was cool :) We didn't do very well:(, but I had a great time, and the audience seemed entertained?

BLAH BLAH BLAH

STUFF STUFF STUFF

Pictures

Yeah, I'm one of those hoping for a zombie apocalypse. But only because it's.. better.. than nuclear holocaust, meteors, the Yellowstone volcano, or the sun exploding, right? At least you can have a little fun with guns... and... the weather would still be nice...

Hahaha!- O.O ...>.>...hehehe X3

Grr. If my computer wasn't BROKEN I would have posted more, but alas poor Yorrick! :( I knew him well.

WEE!

Seriously. I have want to become an super hero. Right now

One week of waking up at 8 am for work. Then I switch to graveyard. I.... think I might survive...

I dunno HOW I made it to shcool on time so often. I do fine waking up early... Unless it's for something I don't want to wake up for :P

But work has been very fun. I get to hide away in a warehouse keeping and protecting halloween costumes until they are purchased. Then I get to package them and send them off throughout the world :) No. I know it's not the coolest job in the world. But it's definitely something I'll enjoy while it lasts. Kinda like when I transported pianos.

So lately I've been thinking about growing a tail. Do you suppose it would be blasphemy? I think I've come to the conclusion that, if I somehow DID figure out how to do it, I would really be by the grace God that I was able to open that part of my mind. Because it would be different than surgically altering yourself, being a completely natural force of will, maybe?
Of course, I also know that if I figured out how to grow limbs I would NOT stop at a tail.. And I could see something going wrong with that.
So I'm willing to accept that I may never figure it out. But why shouldn't I try? As long as you don't make it any serious priority in your life, I would submit it could be healthy focusing on your muscles, nerves, and cellular make up. Also in my research I've learned tons of anatomy! So there you go.

I decided at an early age, If I were to have superpowers. I would definitely be a shape shifter. Not like different people or different animals, Like, stretch and grow and stuff. I think this is because of my insane desire to have control over this awesome body I've been given, and how I feel so mentally amorphous, or absent minded/add/what have you.

I think finding out what superpowers people wish they had says a lot about a person. Flying is the obvious first answer because everyone wants that freedom. Time travel hints at a desire to have greater influence on the events around them. Telepathy might suggests this person worries about understanding people, or... any of them could really just say how one would want to be superior :P
So yeah, it totally varies between people. But it's a fun way to learn.

Well, I gotta get up for work :) I'm really glad it's Tuesday tomorrow. I don't think I would survive another Monday :P

Walking home- 2 am

Looking across the valley at night from the foothills, I cannot see a single green light. It's as though the streets are filled with only stop lights, and the only way to get somewhere is to just take the chance and hope the police will understand.

It's nearly two AM and there are still so many cars. I watch them racing amid the grid of lights that block out the stars. The man-made nEoN colors promote different things from good sales! to clean getaway roads and I can't help but hurt a little at the thought of humans scuttling from one thing to the next; I know I shouldn't pretend each car really lives in the ultimatum that I see, but at 1:46 nothing is especially logical. They all look like frantic ants (except ants will probably never so completely cover the earth with cold steel and fast-food restaurants) Stock-piling everything because Everything is so IMPORTANT. Which is stupid because In the end... these things are only there because we put them there...Right?
Or are they?
Why wouldn't women dream of fancy clothes, even without the guidance of T.V. adds and fashion models? And just because I never made a highway, doesn't mean I don't search for an escape..
So on we drive, dreaming of sanctuary.
Traveling minutes to miles searching for our next release and our chance to feel like things are OK.
Too many will fall to vain promises. Clawing and crying for the damnation of their choosing, ignorant of their demise until it's far too late. It may be your neighbor, your sister, your old elementary teacher. Regardless, they will be punished in their own way for losing sight withOut you taking the judgment seat.
So if you learn nothing else from the lights this night, at least learn to mourn for those who did not see the stars above their electric dreams.
Learn to pray for those seeking quick fixes and the over-advertised paths.
Because that man over there getting strapped in a chair once thought he could make it, just like you. That woman talking on her cell phone and cut you off on the road once had an honest smile that shined so bright.
We all get lost sometimes.

:( I am not having a good day today, but I couldn't tell anyone why even if I wanted to. So... I'm just going to write it here.
Whenever I'm angry or empty, I like to imagine burning or breaking things, but even when I do, I don't feel any better. I try other things like reading or writing, exercising, singing, drawing, cleaning, praying, talking to friends and even wasting away on video games, but I still feel so... something. something bad. moments like these I wish I didn't exist. I want to scream or burn or sOMETHING but nothing works.

Poop.

It's so easy for me to slide and fester in depressions like these. I think what makes it so easy is how stupid it is. I have a good life. people like me. I'm healthy and educated.

IMPATIENCE. That's got to be it. I want to DO something but I'm still so dependent on my parents. For all this potential thrust at my face I don't feel useful.

Tarter sauce.

This day

What a day
What a momentous day
something should happen today that changes me
something that helps me see what I can be.
I need this day be be real to me
I need this momentous day

This great momentous day
Filled with endless choices wrapped in tension
This day of hope and wonder,
this day that sweeps the unprepared off their feet
this day of chance and power

This is the day Heroes are born
a day dastardly plans are laid
a day that, if risks are taken
could ripple through history

Who will see this for what it is?
Who can comprehend the impossible possibilities
that come with sunrise
and the untold legends
that are lost when sun sets.
This Great Momentous Day


Take advantage of what's given to you!!

Crawling through the brush
over dirt, grass, life and death.
thinking of only himself,
thinking of only surviving.
the spider hunts his prey

Oh how I envy him!
you will hear people say
such a life, so simple
when desires are all you run by,
when all you need to know,
is YOU ARE ALIVE.

Here he sits and drinks martini,
leaning back
so FAT
in a robe of red ruby velvet
never moving, unless he must
never moving, he can simply just
call for a slave to fetch his dreams

Oh how I envy him!
you will hear people say
such a life, so simple
when desire is all you run by
when all you need to know
is YOU ARE ALIVE.

oooh, too bad you feel like the prey
too bad you're really the slave.
oooh, truth is you'll never feel safe
you'll never have a real days rest.

....

heart beat slowing
slave lazily getting doctor
so alone...
so alone...
spider, thoughtless, dies without care
master, no friends, never hears a prayer.
never knew a true lover to love him.
never sees the heavens above him

Oh how we envy them!
you will hear people say.
too bad no one sees beneath
they always die in vain
ARE YOU REALLY ALIVE?
DO YOU ONLY SURVIVE?
ARE YOU REALLY ALIVE?
or
DO YOU ONLY SURVIVE?

Stuff. Enjoy!

I wasted the day playing champions online.
tonight I'm going to practice my kung fu!

The lamp overhead is as bright as that face
the face that I shattered
like a glass from my table
half full of nothing
and now I'm just mumbling
but I was laughing at the condensation
growing out of the cup like mold,
so cold
it was dripping like my eyes were
that time you used me
for the last time
it's always for the last time
and I know you'll want me just
one more time
but like my minty toothpaste I'm running out of me
My heart and soul
like doughnut holes
cut out and left behind
but still worthwhile-
while I sit alone here wasting my time
converting these thoughts into poems and rhymes
I try to explain why
I cannot explain why
I sit in the street with a lamp overhead.

It's me!! XD Just having a good time!

I can't give you money,
I'm too slow to catch you monkeys
but I can give you
time
laughter
courage
peace
I have bucket loads of these
I can share your tears
or quiet all your fears
I can be your punching bag
whenever your souffle goes bad
or if you're simply really mad
I only want one thing from you
I just want you to share.
tell me I'm someone you could stand to sit next to on a train
tell me you wouldn't mind holding my hand at least every day.
Tell me I'm you're equal, and that we'd make the greatest team
just say it's okay that I dream of you
because I'm in your dreams

*I posted this on a poetry website once, and the one response
I got was "it's too bad men aren't really like this"
.... O.O' ?

My friends had a little tradition of burning empty pizza boxes on the high school parking lot.
Not that I would ever do such a thing..



Thing's I look for in a girl:

• Confidant
• plays at least one instrument
• happy expressive face
• talks with meaning
• intelligent
• physically fit
  
• religious, and wants to learn about religion
• loves life
• artistic, creative, imaginative... accepting of my own crazy ..
  
• smiles, and means it
• honest and happy with who she is, and who she's becoming
• Dances like no one is watching
• sings like no one is listening
• likes travel
• likes bugs
• Listens

XD Get it!? 'cause.... 'cause it's a.. trap...

ahahaa, this isn't nearly as dangerous as it looks. >.> I needed a facebook picture!!






......A light within me began to glow
and night ungrievingly watched me go
I smiled at the springtime air
My life had just begun :)
As flowers, trees, and lovers bloom
I fell in love with the afternoon
We danced until the green twilight
My life will never end.
In summertime my soul is free
through the air above the trees
The heat will bring my laughter back
There's so much to be done!
Time as we know is a fickle being
never as patient as we please
But in this night she belongs to me
as I hold her in my arms.
But I can feel her shrink away
as autumm promises decay.
Her crackling words I cannot ignore
and age pulls at my feet.
and Though I try to live in wonder
My bones cannot go on much longer
The leaves will fall, and to must I
but please...
let me dance this one more night.
one more night
one... more... night...
Snow
The freezing breath that drains my soul
it comes too soon! it seems to lull
my aching heart to serenity
In white silence I die
Was there ever warmth in the light of day?
Was there ever grass or green at all?
I know no color
I feel no life
just the soft purgatory of snow
and I feel no more

Round and Round

Well, Jim and Hazel left for Heber, Breanna is out with an adventuring class for two weeks, Danny is leaving for Nevada to work on Saturday. Life is moving on.

I don't feel particularly lonely or anything. I know I'll see them all at least once before I leave on my mission. I suppose I'm a little frustrated that unlike them I still have to wait a little while before MY life goes anywhere..
But that's kinda my fault.

I haven't showered in a couple days, and for the last week my sleep schedule has cycled to a 4AM-noon. I really hate admitting it to myself, but these things make me a little grumpy :P

Oh, and I've also been reading. Which is really dangerous for me because I get SO sucked into them. My brain gets all mushy and doesn't want to think about anything else. The worst part is when I finish a book or worse, a series. When the book ends it's like my world ends with it and I end up feeling very very lost and forlorn. But I seem to think it's worth it.

If I kiss you where it's sore
If I kiss you where it's sore would you feel
Better?
Better
Better? Would you feel anything
at all?

This verse has been orbiting my consciousness all morning!! Almost like it means something to me...

These last few days have been wonderful though, with lots of friends laughing and Practicing self-defense at the football field at two in the morning. And you Gotta love these sunsets eh?

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Well if my words haven't colored you flabbergasted with inspiration, these pictures are sure to solidify you're admiration of my awesome!

>.>

heheHAHA >X3 I like this one.
Yeah, it's pretty black though

Let's move on

They're probably going to lock me up, but by golly
I am going to BUILD this someday!!

Another shirt My friend Zie needs to own

Hrmm, I also wanted to post my own parkour video, but I r not smrt enough.... So here's a link
And if that doesn't work, use this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlmI-idGdwA

Um, this was for a drama class thing, but it's still okay. The beginning is super boring 'cause there was supposed to be like a poem or something? Yeah, just watch the whole thing.


I'm going to go eat now

I shouldn't be blogging right now

So I won't write much. I just really super duper wish that I ...had ... candy

I am angry today

I do not want to be here. I do not want to be around people. I do not want to be SO STUPID. I do not want to be quiet. I do not want to feel weak.

Am I just not being honest with myself?



RRRRgle!


I'm getting tired of this discontentment. For years whenever I've prayed a small part of me asks God to just slap me with the truth. I don't care if it hurts, if I could just KNOW that things are going the right way. That I'm NOT delusional and naive or wasting my time on all the wrong things.


And God said unto his son, Cody:
"Geez Cody, stop being dumb! Look, you're messing up here and here and here. And if you could just look at the world like THIS and start working on THIS, things will go right. You are not going to be a waste. You get it now? GOOD. Calm down man!"

But I know it can't work that way. Our Stupid human brains get too distracted by all the wrong things when God tries that stuff.

"omg I just SAW G!!"

"Wow, look at how stupid everyone else is!"

"I'm more special then the pope!"


More likely than not I too would wander off on a tangent and forget.
As someone Emily Dickinson wrote:

Tell all truth, but tell it slant.
Success in circuit lies.
Too bright for our infirm delight,
Is truth’s superb surprise.
As lightning to the children eased
With explanation kind,
The truth must dazzle gradually,
Or every man be blind.


And I get the feeling she's on to something.


.... Blah.

So onward through life I travel. Sometimes sprinting,
sometimes dancing (for better or for worse), sometimes c. r. a. w. l. i. n. g..
Living life Rarely with any comfort other than gratitude. Knowledge that regardless of the future I have so many blessed memories. So many moments great and small that remind me that life really is beautiful, inspiring, kind. And like even the worst kidney stone, my dark times will pass.

Wow. I feel a little better already.

How do you save a life?

If I could show a friend
the beauty that I see
If I could somehow say those words
and free these things in me
If I knew just how to say
the things I wanted to say
I would not die in vain, no
I would not die in vain

I would not fade away despairing
wearing
these untranslated Signs on my chest that express my caring
but never to be read these words
are never to be read

This burning within me
threatens to end me
tries with all of it's might to ascend me
But when it pulls me off my feet
tightening around my throat
My struggling and gasping
does nothing to free me

What good does any power do
when all it can do
..is destroy you?

I'm alright

This week has been a good one, random stuff like archery in my back yard and dancing on the local football field at night.

I've been checking out random blogs lately, to make sure I wasn't any more whiny than the others, when I started reading the musings of a psychopathic stripper.
Sigh, what I would give to... what? Express my sympathy? convert her? Write her a song? Right. I can tell she would really LOVE that. But after reading all this about her as she tries to make sense of this crazy place I wish SO bad I could do SOMETHING to make her life a little brighter.

Someday I'll be a superhero. You'll see.

READ THIS!!

We all know the smell of a convenience store at 4 am like the backs of a lotta hands.
She sells me trucker crack Mini-Thins like Vivarin.
Doesn’t make me feel awkward about it.
She can tell it’s been a long drive, and it’s only gonna get longer.
Offers me a free cup of coffee, but I never touch the stuff.
Besides, I’m gonna need more speed than that.

We notice each other’s smiles immediately.
It’s our favorite thing for people to notice – our smiles.
It’s all either one of us has to offer.
You can see it in the way our cheeks stretch out like arms
wanting nothing more than to say “You
ALL
are welcome here.”
She shows brittle nicotine teeth with spaces between each one.
Her fingers are bony. No rings. And she’d love to get her nails done someday.
One time she had her hair fixed.
They took out the grease, made it real big on top, and feathered it.
She likes it like that.
She will never be fully informed on some things- just like I will NEVER understand who really buys Moon Pies, or those rolling, wrinkled, dried-up sausages?
but then again, she’s been here a lot longer than me.
She's seen everything from men who grow dread locks out of their top lips
to children who look like cigarettes.
I give her my money. I wait for my change.
But I feel like there’s something more happening here.
...I feel...
like a warm mop bucket and dingy tiles that’ll never come clean.
I feel like these freezers cannot be re-stocked often enough.
I feel like trash cans of candy wrappers with soda pop dripping down the wrong side of the plastic.
I feel like everything just got computerized.
I feel like she was raised to say a LOT of stupid things about a color.
And I feel like if I were to pretend I was gay –
This conversation would STOP

This is what I do
I feel.
I get scared sometimes.
And I drive.

…But in 1 minute and 48 seconds I’m gonna walk outta here with a full tank of gas, a bottle of Mini-Thins, and a pint of milk while there’s a woman trapped behind a formican counter somewhere in North Dakota who wants nothing more than to hear my whole story. All 92,775 miles of it.
I can tell, though, she’s heard more opinions and trucker small talk than Santa Claus has made kids happy, so I only find the nerve to tell her the good parts; that she’s the kindest thing to happen since Burlington Vermont and I wanna leave it at that- Because so many men - who are not smart - have taken it farther; have cradled her up like a nutcracker and made her feel as warm as a high school education on the dusty back road, or a beer in a coozy. I feel like she’s been waiting here a long time for the one who’ll come 2-stepping through that door on 18 wheels without making her feel like it’s her job to sweep up the nutshells alone when she’s done been cracked again. A man who won’t tempt her to suck the wedding ring off him,
but will show her
- simply -
Love.
She doesn’t need me or any other man, but she doesn’t know that either, and I’m just hopin’ like crazy she doesn’t think I’m the one because the Only time I’ll ever see North Dakota again is in a Van Morrison song late LATE at night :( I Promise.
I feel like she’s 37 years old wearing 51 badly, dying inside like certain kinds of dances around fires to speak through you, a forest, if you weren't so taken with sparks.
But she wasn't given those words. She has not been told that she can definitely change the world. She knows some folks do, but not in convenience stores and NOT with lottery tickets.
So I finally ask her what I been feelin’ the entire time I’ve been standin’ there still getting’ scared like I do sometimes, really REALLY ready to drive, I ask…

“Is this it for you?

..Is this all you’ll ever do?”
...
Her smile
collapsed.
That tightly strapped-in pasty skin
went loose.
Her heart
fell crooked.
She said,
not knowing my real name
“I can tell, buddy, by the Mini Thins and the way ya drive,
That we’re both taken with novelty.
We’ve both believed in mean gods.
We both spend our money on things that break too easily like…

people.

And I can tell that ya think you’ve had it rough,
So especially you should know:

It’s what I do -

I dream.

I get high sometimes.
And I’m gonna roll outta here one day.
I just might not get to drive.