I do not want to be here. I do not want to be around people. I do not want to be SO STUPID. I do not want to be quiet. I do not want to feel weak.
Am I just not being honest with myself?
RRRRgle!
I'm getting tired of this discontentment. For years whenever I've prayed a small part of me asks God to just slap me with the truth. I don't care if it hurts, if I could just KNOW that things are going the right way. That I'm NOT delusional and naive or wasting my time on all the wrong things.
And God said unto his son, Cody:
"Geez Cody, stop being dumb! Look, you're messing up here and here and here. And if you could just look at the world like THIS and start working on THIS, things will go right. You are not going to be a waste. You get it now? GOOD. Calm down man!"
But I know it can't work that way. Our Stupid human brains get too distracted by all the wrong things when God tries that stuff.
"omg I just SAW G!!"
"Wow, look at how stupid everyone else is!"
"I'm more special then the pope!"
More likely than not I too would wander off on a tangent and forget.
As someone Emily Dickinson wrote:
Tell all truth, but tell it slant.
Success in circuit lies.
Too bright for our infirm delight,
Is truth’s superb surprise.
As lightning to the children eased
With explanation kind,
The truth must dazzle gradually,
Or every man be blind.
And I get the feeling she's on to something.
.... Blah.
So onward through life I travel. Sometimes sprinting,
sometimes dancing (for better or for worse), sometimes c. r. a. w. l. i. n. g..
Living life Rarely with any comfort other than gratitude. Knowledge that regardless of the future I have so many blessed memories. So many moments great and small that remind me that life really is beautiful, inspiring, kind. And like even the worst kidney stone, my dark times will pass.
Wow. I feel a little better already.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
How do you save a life?
If I could show a friend
the beauty that I see
If I could somehow say those words
and free these things in me
If I knew just how to say
the things I wanted to say
I would not die in vain, no
I would not die in vain
I would not fade away despairing
wearing
these untranslated Signs on my chest that express my caring
but never to be read these words
are never to be read
This burning within me
threatens to end me
tries with all of it's might to ascend me
But when it pulls me off my feet
tightening around my throat
My struggling and gasping
does nothing to free me
What good does any power do
when all it can do
..is destroy you?
the beauty that I see
If I could somehow say those words
and free these things in me
If I knew just how to say
the things I wanted to say
I would not die in vain, no
I would not die in vain
I would not fade away despairing
wearing
these untranslated Signs on my chest that express my caring
but never to be read these words
are never to be read
This burning within me
threatens to end me
tries with all of it's might to ascend me
But when it pulls me off my feet
tightening around my throat
My struggling and gasping
does nothing to free me
What good does any power do
when all it can do
..is destroy you?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I'm alright
This week has been a good one, random stuff like archery in my back yard and dancing on the local football field at night.
I've been checking out random blogs lately, to make sure I wasn't any more whiny than the others, when I started reading the musings of a psychopathic stripper.
Sigh, what I would give to... what? Express my sympathy? convert her? Write her a song? Right. I can tell she would really LOVE that. But after reading all this about her as she tries to make sense of this crazy place I wish SO bad I could do SOMETHING to make her life a little brighter.
Someday I'll be a superhero. You'll see.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
READ THIS!!
We all know the smell of a convenience store at 4 am like the backs of a lotta hands.
She sells me trucker crack Mini-Thins like Vivarin.
Doesn’t make me feel awkward about it.
She can tell it’s been a long drive, and it’s only gonna get longer.
Offers me a free cup of coffee, but I never touch the stuff.
Besides, I’m gonna need more speed than that.
We notice each other’s smiles immediately.
It’s our favorite thing for people to notice – our smiles.
It’s all either one of us has to offer.
You can see it in the way our cheeks stretch out like arms
wanting nothing more than to say “You
ALL
are welcome here.”
She shows brittle nicotine teeth with spaces between each one.
Her fingers are bony. No rings. And she’d love to get her nails done someday.
One time she had her hair fixed.
They took out the grease, made it real big on top, and feathered it.
She likes it like that.
She will never be fully informed on some things- just like I will NEVER understand who really buys Moon Pies, or those rolling, wrinkled, dried-up sausages?
but then again, she’s been here a lot longer than me.
She's seen everything from men who grow dread locks out of their top lips
to children who look like cigarettes.
I give her my money. I wait for my change.
But I feel like there’s something more happening here.
...I feel...
like a warm mop bucket and dingy tiles that’ll never come clean.
I feel like these freezers cannot be re-stocked often enough.
I feel like trash cans of candy wrappers with soda pop dripping down the wrong side of the plastic.
I feel like everything just got computerized.
I feel like she was raised to say a LOT of stupid things about a color.
And I feel like if I were to pretend I was gay –
This conversation would STOP
This is what I do
I feel.
I get scared sometimes.
And I drive.
…But in 1 minute and 48 seconds I’m gonna walk outta here with a full tank of gas, a bottle of Mini-Thins, and a pint of milk while there’s a woman trapped behind a formican counter somewhere in North Dakota who wants nothing more than to hear my whole story. All 92,775 miles of it.
I can tell, though, she’s heard more opinions and trucker small talk than Santa Claus has made kids happy, so I only find the nerve to tell her the good parts; that she’s the kindest thing to happen since Burlington Vermont and I wanna leave it at that- Because so many men - who are not smart - have taken it farther; have cradled her up like a nutcracker and made her feel as warm as a high school education on the dusty back road, or a beer in a coozy. I feel like she’s been waiting here a long time for the one who’ll come 2-stepping through that door on 18 wheels without making her feel like it’s her job to sweep up the nutshells alone when she’s done been cracked again. A man who won’t tempt her to suck the wedding ring off him,
but will show her
- simply -
Love.
She doesn’t need me or any other man, but she doesn’t know that either, and I’m just hopin’ like crazy she doesn’t think I’m the one because the Only time I’ll ever see North Dakota again is in a Van Morrison song late LATE at night :( I Promise.
I feel like she’s 37 years old wearing 51 badly, dying inside like certain kinds of dances around fires to speak through you, a forest, if you weren't so taken with sparks.
But she wasn't given those words. She has not been told that she can definitely change the world. She knows some folks do, but not in convenience stores and NOT with lottery tickets.
So I finally ask her what I been feelin’ the entire time I’ve been standin’ there still getting’ scared like I do sometimes, really REALLY ready to drive, I ask…
“Is this it for you?
..Is this all you’ll ever do?”
...
Her smile
collapsed.
That tightly strapped-in pasty skin
went loose.
Her heart
fell crooked.
She said,
not knowing my real name
“I can tell, buddy, by the Mini Thins and the way ya drive,
That we’re both taken with novelty.
We’ve both believed in mean gods.
We both spend our money on things that break too easily like…
people.
And I can tell that ya think you’ve had it rough,
So especially you should know:
It’s what I do -
I dream.
I get high sometimes.
And I’m gonna roll outta here one day.
I just might not get to drive.
She sells me trucker crack Mini-Thins like Vivarin.
Doesn’t make me feel awkward about it.
She can tell it’s been a long drive, and it’s only gonna get longer.
Offers me a free cup of coffee, but I never touch the stuff.
Besides, I’m gonna need more speed than that.
We notice each other’s smiles immediately.
It’s our favorite thing for people to notice – our smiles.
It’s all either one of us has to offer.
You can see it in the way our cheeks stretch out like arms
wanting nothing more than to say “You
ALL
are welcome here.”
She shows brittle nicotine teeth with spaces between each one.
Her fingers are bony. No rings. And she’d love to get her nails done someday.
One time she had her hair fixed.
They took out the grease, made it real big on top, and feathered it.
She likes it like that.
She will never be fully informed on some things- just like I will NEVER understand who really buys Moon Pies, or those rolling, wrinkled, dried-up sausages?
but then again, she’s been here a lot longer than me.
She's seen everything from men who grow dread locks out of their top lips
to children who look like cigarettes.
I give her my money. I wait for my change.
But I feel like there’s something more happening here.
...I feel...
like a warm mop bucket and dingy tiles that’ll never come clean.
I feel like these freezers cannot be re-stocked often enough.
I feel like trash cans of candy wrappers with soda pop dripping down the wrong side of the plastic.
I feel like everything just got computerized.
I feel like she was raised to say a LOT of stupid things about a color.
And I feel like if I were to pretend I was gay –
This conversation would STOP
This is what I do
I feel.
I get scared sometimes.
And I drive.
…But in 1 minute and 48 seconds I’m gonna walk outta here with a full tank of gas, a bottle of Mini-Thins, and a pint of milk while there’s a woman trapped behind a formican counter somewhere in North Dakota who wants nothing more than to hear my whole story. All 92,775 miles of it.
I can tell, though, she’s heard more opinions and trucker small talk than Santa Claus has made kids happy, so I only find the nerve to tell her the good parts; that she’s the kindest thing to happen since Burlington Vermont and I wanna leave it at that- Because so many men - who are not smart - have taken it farther; have cradled her up like a nutcracker and made her feel as warm as a high school education on the dusty back road, or a beer in a coozy. I feel like she’s been waiting here a long time for the one who’ll come 2-stepping through that door on 18 wheels without making her feel like it’s her job to sweep up the nutshells alone when she’s done been cracked again. A man who won’t tempt her to suck the wedding ring off him,
but will show her
- simply -
Love.
She doesn’t need me or any other man, but she doesn’t know that either, and I’m just hopin’ like crazy she doesn’t think I’m the one because the Only time I’ll ever see North Dakota again is in a Van Morrison song late LATE at night :( I Promise.
I feel like she’s 37 years old wearing 51 badly, dying inside like certain kinds of dances around fires to speak through you, a forest, if you weren't so taken with sparks.
But she wasn't given those words. She has not been told that she can definitely change the world. She knows some folks do, but not in convenience stores and NOT with lottery tickets.
So I finally ask her what I been feelin’ the entire time I’ve been standin’ there still getting’ scared like I do sometimes, really REALLY ready to drive, I ask…
“Is this it for you?
..Is this all you’ll ever do?”
...
Her smile
collapsed.
That tightly strapped-in pasty skin
went loose.
Her heart
fell crooked.
She said,
not knowing my real name
“I can tell, buddy, by the Mini Thins and the way ya drive,
That we’re both taken with novelty.
We’ve both believed in mean gods.
We both spend our money on things that break too easily like…
people.
And I can tell that ya think you’ve had it rough,
So especially you should know:
It’s what I do -
I dream.
I get high sometimes.
And I’m gonna roll outta here one day.
I just might not get to drive.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Do you have a flag...? :P
So My wisdom teeth were removed did I say that already? I turned out to be one of the lucky ones. No swelling, very little pain, I even stopped bleeding the same day of the operation.
I was talking to my voice tutor the other day, deep stuff, as usual. She made an interesting observation. She asked if I always made people guess at what I was thinking. Sigh, I told her, I WANT to express myself, but I don't know how. I don't think in numbers or letters, or even pictures. I think in feelings, I fear. The way I think cannot be shared by sounds or sights, though I try so hard :(
I was talking to my voice tutor the other day, deep stuff, as usual. She made an interesting observation. She asked if I always made people guess at what I was thinking. Sigh, I told her, I WANT to express myself, but I don't know how. I don't think in numbers or letters, or even pictures. I think in feelings, I fear. The way I think cannot be shared by sounds or sights, though I try so hard :(
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
New week! New world!
I've got a Fun brain toy today, something that came to mind a little while ago. Maybe I'll even explain it correctly(?) :P
SO. In childhood, you remember your mom telling you to "Sit in the corner!!"? Do you remember how L O N G you had to sit there? Five whole minutes!? It felt like hours! When you were finally free you would promise yourself never to end up back there again, and you buried that lighter, ensuring that you COULDN'T light the cat on fire even if you wanted to(..k maybe that last bit was just me)
How long would five minutes in the corner feel to you now?
Some Scientists believe the first years of our lives is our "Open Minded" state. A dream state where our eyes are wide and everything we see is new and educational. I submit that because our brains had constant input, we were always in the moment. And TIME TOOK FOREVER.
A minute was an hour, an hour was a WHOLE DAY, a day was a week and a week was a month.
You finally come to school age. Routine, I think, is what changes us. We went to school, saw the same things, the same people, and Most of us ignored what new things we might have learned :P
No I kid. BUT the point still remains. Over time our brains begin to dismiss things as "already analyzed". Time picked up it's pace because we stopped paying attention to it. Many of us begged it to go faster, finding that catatonic states are a form of release.
As time continues we teach ourselves to recognize things we already understand. ...Usually exaggerating a little bit here and there.
A minute becomes.. thirty seconds, an hour is only half an hour, a day doesn't feel that long.
Now, obviously this lesson is magnified to show detail. Even if we sat in a barrel for our entire life, Our brains would continue finding input to chew on om nom nom..
But as people decide they know more, we lose more.
In old age, life becomes a dream again, but in the opposite direction. Instead of learning, we are forgetting.
And a day becomes a second, a week becomes a minute, a month, an hour, a year a day.
The bible tells of Adam living for Nine Hundred years. I wonder... maybe this is because there was so much work to be done, so much to learn, so much to experience?
But of course, My previous words would only touch on eternal Life. Eternal Youth is a different story.
Stress. Anxiety and fear. Lol but I don't know enough to work on that yet.
Here's a funny picture!!
SO. In childhood, you remember your mom telling you to "Sit in the corner!!"? Do you remember how L O N G you had to sit there? Five whole minutes!? It felt like hours! When you were finally free you would promise yourself never to end up back there again, and you buried that lighter, ensuring that you COULDN'T light the cat on fire even if you wanted to(..k maybe that last bit was just me)
How long would five minutes in the corner feel to you now?
Some Scientists believe the first years of our lives is our "Open Minded" state. A dream state where our eyes are wide and everything we see is new and educational. I submit that because our brains had constant input, we were always in the moment. And TIME TOOK FOREVER.
A minute was an hour, an hour was a WHOLE DAY, a day was a week and a week was a month.
You finally come to school age. Routine, I think, is what changes us. We went to school, saw the same things, the same people, and Most of us ignored what new things we might have learned :P
No I kid. BUT the point still remains. Over time our brains begin to dismiss things as "already analyzed". Time picked up it's pace because we stopped paying attention to it. Many of us begged it to go faster, finding that catatonic states are a form of release.
As time continues we teach ourselves to recognize things we already understand. ...Usually exaggerating a little bit here and there.
A minute becomes.. thirty seconds, an hour is only half an hour, a day doesn't feel that long.
Now, obviously this lesson is magnified to show detail. Even if we sat in a barrel for our entire life, Our brains would continue finding input to chew on om nom nom..
But as people decide they know more, we lose more.
In old age, life becomes a dream again, but in the opposite direction. Instead of learning, we are forgetting.
And a day becomes a second, a week becomes a minute, a month, an hour, a year a day.
The bible tells of Adam living for Nine Hundred years. I wonder... maybe this is because there was so much work to be done, so much to learn, so much to experience?
But of course, My previous words would only touch on eternal Life. Eternal Youth is a different story.
Stress. Anxiety and fear. Lol but I don't know enough to work on that yet.
Here's a funny picture!!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I don't need drugs, the few I take are to STOP me from being crazy
I'm gettting really sick of this LOVE stuff. I'm sure my perspectives are so totally skewed and perverted that I shouldn't even be TRYING to be close to people. What makes it worse is my misinterpretation of what people WANT.
My head says, they want THIS, and I say ok. Which might be fine, if I could zone it into one person. But no, I'm stupid.
These things make me self destructive and hysTericaL (But anti-anxiety medication keeps me alive.)
On the note of drugs, Interesting thought; through my eyes the world is already spinning. I have little worries about the everyday g4Rb1e, and I sing loudly in the streets all the time. So.. people smoke and drink and shoot... :O to feel like me! I don't need drugs, I already imagine little people and hilarious things where they don't belong. I love just existing and watching bugs live, and I Adore everyone!
But... why?
Of all things to be scared of, I'M scared that my life is too good to be true. That's Stupid.
When I stop to think is when I become weak. What am I missing? How can I make this achieved state Useful? What if I hurt someone in my stupor? Am I just like this 'cause I haven't "Grown Up?"
But maybe this is for the best. Because of this drive, I can't be happy living off what I'm given. I have to MAKE myself worth all my talents and physical things. So as long as i don't overdo it, maybe this is the only way for me not to waste away...
My head says, they want THIS, and I say ok. Which might be fine, if I could zone it into one person. But no, I'm stupid.
These things make me self destructive and hysTericaL (But anti-anxiety medication keeps me alive.)
On the note of drugs, Interesting thought; through my eyes the world is already spinning. I have little worries about the everyday g4Rb1e, and I sing loudly in the streets all the time. So.. people smoke and drink and shoot... :O to feel like me! I don't need drugs, I already imagine little people and hilarious things where they don't belong. I love just existing and watching bugs live, and I Adore everyone!
But... why?
Of all things to be scared of, I'M scared that my life is too good to be true. That's Stupid.
When I stop to think is when I become weak. What am I missing? How can I make this achieved state Useful? What if I hurt someone in my stupor? Am I just like this 'cause I haven't "Grown Up?"
But maybe this is for the best. Because of this drive, I can't be happy living off what I'm given. I have to MAKE myself worth all my talents and physical things. So as long as i don't overdo it, maybe this is the only way for me not to waste away...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
I'm... Ditching work today.
My lack of interest in work worries me, though I suppose it's nothing strange for a bright-eyed buck like myself, Right? I'm driven, just in different directions...
There's a great conflict in me, to be and to not. I suppose everyone has this dilemma, and no, I'm not talking about suicide, not really. This struggle between actually working toward your goals, or letting yourself go. To actually LIVE, or w a s h away in the self indulgence of entertainment and free handouts.
Very Frustrating.
Have you ever dreamed about being friends with someone you barely know?
Like someone you see at work every once in a while, or talked to at school a little? I've had lots of these. Talking and laughing with people that, in real life, don't know your name, or have a history of throwing your shoes on the roof. But in my dreams, we understand each other, we're FRIENDS. I wake up and I want to cry. I want to talk to them
and
... say...
something.
But out here you're considered a creep for such attempts. And I guess I don't blame them for being suspicious, what with all the crimes we hear about. I often wonder, after a bout of suspicion of my own, how I would feel if someone I barely knew began talking to me on facebook, or texting me :/ But I always come to the conclusion that it's not a fair comparison.
Well... I'm PRETTY sure I didn't get on here to be emotional. So here's some good pictures:
And Random thing of the day(Or when I feel like it) :
I got a haircut!
There's a great conflict in me, to be and to not. I suppose everyone has this dilemma, and no, I'm not talking about suicide, not really. This struggle between actually working toward your goals, or letting yourself go. To actually LIVE, or w a s h away in the self indulgence of entertainment and free handouts.
Very Frustrating.
Have you ever dreamed about being friends with someone you barely know?
Like someone you see at work every once in a while, or talked to at school a little? I've had lots of these. Talking and laughing with people that, in real life, don't know your name, or have a history of throwing your shoes on the roof. But in my dreams, we understand each other, we're FRIENDS. I wake up and I want to cry. I want to talk to them
and
... say...
something.
But out here you're considered a creep for such attempts. And I guess I don't blame them for being suspicious, what with all the crimes we hear about. I often wonder, after a bout of suspicion of my own, how I would feel if someone I barely knew began talking to me on facebook, or texting me :/ But I always come to the conclusion that it's not a fair comparison.
Well... I'm PRETTY sure I didn't get on here to be emotional. So here's some good pictures:
And Random thing of the day(Or when I feel like it) :
I got a haircut!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Just a few thoughts
I'm bored, and I want to put something up here, But I don't really have anything to say... So I'm going to share some thoughts written in my philosophy ... journal thing. Yeah. I have a little book where I write what I think. You should try it
Anydangway. HERE WE GO!
A man Speaking to God.
Man: If you asked me to leave my home, I would go instantly. If you asked me to jump off a bridge, if you asked me to die, I would do it honorably.
God: But my friend, I don't have that luxury of asking beforehand, for no one can hear my voice anymore.
Would you love me still if your house was taken from you? Would you still feel honor if I pushed you off a bridge?
May I Kill You?
In our life, rarely do we see even the smallest glimpse of the whole. Things happen that hurt so much, and we don't understand why God would put us through it.
If we could just understand his love.
Again and again but in different colors: Mannerisms, appearances, they're all recycled!
TV, Movies magnify them, twist them, but it's all still there
the world is a cliche' in pickle juice, still the same but slowly evolving until the flavor is unrecognizable.
Now. This new generation wants everything to to feel much more important than it needs to be.
Is it just because of the media?
The world seems to be building up to something. You can feel the tension rising in everything... Or is that just because we all want an end?
EVERY STEP CAN BE A STEP UP...
I LIKE ST JOHNS EXPLANATIONS:
In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God and the word WAS God
In him was life, and the life was the LIGHT OF MEN- The light WHICH IS IN MEN. Our consciousness, Our ability to rise above animalistic instinct.
And the light shineth in the darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.
Moses taught humans how to be at peace. Jesus is trying to teach us how to be REAL. A higher law that only those with consciousness can follow.
I only race against the people I used to be
Stop coming to me
and I will stop searching for you.
I have let you down so often
and I know if you TOUCH me
I'll hurt you again
I don't want to be alone
O' GOD I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE
but I can't stand the way I destroy
and regardless of how much I love you
I will kill you
WHY CAN'T I DO THIS?!
The youth are not just watching the media, they are watching YOU
If you fail to provide a good- or any kind of- example, they will look where they can
If reverence is love, so is the teaching of it
EXEMPLAR
EXEMPLAR
PAY ATTENTION!
there are good lessons to be learned from the past
It's ok to disagree, but don't be disagreeable!
Why is it that Humans are always trying to literally climb higher?
We seem to think the farther we get from the earth, the less it matters to us.
Looking down at all the movement and towers, all the pain and worries that occur down there seem inconsequential. It's as though we're suddenly cleansed of it all.
It is a power. It's that Freedom that everyone searches for at one time or another. Drugs, Freerunning, flying, greed, it's all the same effort to feel disconnected. Untouchable
But no matter how high we go. We will always have to land.
Hey, the church really is true. Like, seriously.
Ummm.... I'm done.
Anydangway. HERE WE GO!
A man Speaking to God.
Man: If you asked me to leave my home, I would go instantly. If you asked me to jump off a bridge, if you asked me to die, I would do it honorably.
God: But my friend, I don't have that luxury of asking beforehand, for no one can hear my voice anymore.
Would you love me still if your house was taken from you? Would you still feel honor if I pushed you off a bridge?
May I Kill You?
In our life, rarely do we see even the smallest glimpse of the whole. Things happen that hurt so much, and we don't understand why God would put us through it.
If we could just understand his love.
Again and again but in different colors: Mannerisms, appearances, they're all recycled!
TV, Movies magnify them, twist them, but it's all still there
the world is a cliche' in pickle juice, still the same but slowly evolving until the flavor is unrecognizable.
Now. This new generation wants everything to to feel much more important than it needs to be.
Is it just because of the media?
The world seems to be building up to something. You can feel the tension rising in everything... Or is that just because we all want an end?
EVERY STEP CAN BE A STEP UP...
I LIKE ST JOHNS EXPLANATIONS:
In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God and the word WAS God
In him was life, and the life was the LIGHT OF MEN- The light WHICH IS IN MEN. Our consciousness, Our ability to rise above animalistic instinct.
And the light shineth in the darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.
Moses taught humans how to be at peace. Jesus is trying to teach us how to be REAL. A higher law that only those with consciousness can follow.
I only race against the people I used to be
Stop coming to me
and I will stop searching for you.
I have let you down so often
and I know if you TOUCH me
I'll hurt you again
I don't want to be alone
O' GOD I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE
but I can't stand the way I destroy
and regardless of how much I love you
I will kill you
WHY CAN'T I DO THIS?!
The youth are not just watching the media, they are watching YOU
If you fail to provide a good- or any kind of- example, they will look where they can
If reverence is love, so is the teaching of it
EXEMPLAR
EXEMPLAR
PAY ATTENTION!
there are good lessons to be learned from the past
It's ok to disagree, but don't be disagreeable!
Why is it that Humans are always trying to literally climb higher?
We seem to think the farther we get from the earth, the less it matters to us.
Looking down at all the movement and towers, all the pain and worries that occur down there seem inconsequential. It's as though we're suddenly cleansed of it all.
It is a power. It's that Freedom that everyone searches for at one time or another. Drugs, Freerunning, flying, greed, it's all the same effort to feel disconnected. Untouchable
But no matter how high we go. We will always have to land.
Hey, the church really is true. Like, seriously.
Ummm.... I'm done.
Friday, July 2, 2010
That's what you get when I stay up too late
It's pathetic that eleven is late for me now. All my friends make fun of me :P not vocally, but I can see it in their eyes.
If a servant diligently guards his master's sheep every single day of his life, resting only a single day, but that ONE day is the SINGLE day the predators attacked, Is he worth anything?
Just wondering.
Well, next week was going to be my last day working at the assembly line- BUT it turns out they love me, and want me to stay... So I'm thinking of just switching to part time. It would be nice to keep my income, and (save the location) there's really no where else better for me right now.
And I really like these people.
Oh, and I got pulled over this morning. The cop saw that my car hadn't passed safety inspection for over five months. Poop. Let's talk about my car:
My Beautiful Previa is nearly nineteen years old. We've taken her from Utah to Cali to Canada, and I'm pretty sure when we moved from South Carolina, we drove. I have driven it THROUGH a telephone pole, my brother rear-ended a guy on the Freeway, and right now, it's not passing safety because
THE STUPID EMERGENCY BRAKE IS WEAK!! Of all things. Blah.
Anyway. Lol the cop was one of those "Get 'er DUN" kinda guys, but he was nice enough. He ended up just giving me a fix-it ticket, instead of impounding my vehicle like he's "Spose' TUE" No. I do not mean to mock him. He was a good guy.
I should be dead like, thirty seven times over. And I only got a fix-it ticket.
THE CHURCH IS SO TRUE.
PICTURE TIME!!
My dream bike:
Awesome comic
And... I don't know what's up with this one.
AAAANNND Random Thing of the day!
Nikolai Tesla was Crazy awesome!! Back in the day he and Thomas Eddison were competing scientists. He was the inventor of the Tesla coil, which can transfer ENERGY through OPEN AIR!! .. he never perfected it though, as far as we know (I expect foul play O.O). Oh! He also discovered the frequency of the EARTH and accidentally leveled his city block with an Oscillator!! So. cool.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
STUFF AND STUFF AND STUFF
I really wish I could express myself correctly. There is so much to say, but... it doesn't come out!!
I form relationships with the people around me when I'm out driving. I make up personalities for them, I'm hurt when they cut me off and I miss them when they fall behind. I've also become very racist against trucks. The big, shiny ones that silently hint that they're compensating for something. Don't get me wrong, I am relieved whenever my assumptions are wrong about them, but ... I'm usually right. I am constantly cut off, tail gated, and whatever else you can have happen to you that's borderline illegal by trucks. Frustrating.
But I try not to care.
Stuff. Blah. It's everywhere.
It's sticky like..like... Ew. It's everywhere. Uck, it's even on me.. But not as much? Oh crap. There goes my ego again. Hey! Let's talk about my Ego.
People tell me I'm awesome. They say "Cody, you're really awesome, you know that?" and I say..."yeah" cause... people say that a lot to me. SO WHY DON'T I FEEL GOOD?!!!!!? This whole humility dilemma. I am humble(?), and In my attempts at being humble and helpful, people tell me they appreciate it. But... am I just taking them too seriously? I don't want to be Proud of my humility? lol does that work? AND I'm so lucky!! things just WORK OUT for me. What if It's all just building up to a monstrous disaster? What if All this praise and luck gets to my head, and I miss something really important? Or lose something important? I want to see what's REALLY there. I want to UNDERSTAND. But what if all this is actually ruining me? :(
Anyway, I was talking about Stuff. Everyone has some. Some people are COVERED in it. it get's in their eyes and ears, causing hallucinations and mild hearing loss. It eats away "common" sense and stresses them out. Makes people t i r e d, and it's like no one knows how to get it off.
But I've felt the cure. It's like a heroine shot in your heart. A Tumor of power expanding until it fills your blood with light Not bud light :P and all the Stuff melts away. I don't know why, but I feel it! It's HUGE! I want to culture it until I'm consumed and contagious. But I don't know how to share it...
Lol Tumor.
I want to be connected to you humans. I want to share your joy and lift you up when you're down. I want to see you grow and be there when you succeed. :( but there's not enough of me.
Someday, I'll figure it all out.
I form relationships with the people around me when I'm out driving. I make up personalities for them, I'm hurt when they cut me off and I miss them when they fall behind. I've also become very racist against trucks. The big, shiny ones that silently hint that they're compensating for something. Don't get me wrong, I am relieved whenever my assumptions are wrong about them, but ... I'm usually right. I am constantly cut off, tail gated, and whatever else you can have happen to you that's borderline illegal by trucks. Frustrating.
But I try not to care.
Stuff. Blah. It's everywhere.
It's sticky like..like... Ew. It's everywhere. Uck, it's even on me.. But not as much? Oh crap. There goes my ego again. Hey! Let's talk about my Ego.
People tell me I'm awesome. They say "Cody, you're really awesome, you know that?" and I say..."yeah" cause... people say that a lot to me. SO WHY DON'T I FEEL GOOD?!!!!!? This whole humility dilemma. I am humble(?), and In my attempts at being humble and helpful, people tell me they appreciate it. But... am I just taking them too seriously? I don't want to be Proud of my humility? lol does that work? AND I'm so lucky!! things just WORK OUT for me. What if It's all just building up to a monstrous disaster? What if All this praise and luck gets to my head, and I miss something really important? Or lose something important? I want to see what's REALLY there. I want to UNDERSTAND. But what if all this is actually ruining me? :(
Anyway, I was talking about Stuff. Everyone has some. Some people are COVERED in it. it get's in their eyes and ears, causing hallucinations and mild hearing loss. It eats away "common" sense and stresses them out. Makes people t i r e d, and it's like no one knows how to get it off.
But I've felt the cure. It's like a heroine shot in your heart. A Tumor of power expanding until it fills your blood with light Not bud light :P and all the Stuff melts away. I don't know why, but I feel it! It's HUGE! I want to culture it until I'm consumed and contagious. But I don't know how to share it...
Lol Tumor.
I want to be connected to you humans. I want to share your joy and lift you up when you're down. I want to see you grow and be there when you succeed. :( but there's not enough of me.
Someday, I'll figure it all out.
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