three days left, mission farewell

The contents below is the speech I wrote for church at my mission farewell. Enjoy!

This, is a letter I wrote last night. For all of you, because I couldn't come today.

it begins:

hello everyone, and thank you for coming my not mission farewell :)

I'm sorry you all came and I didn't but I'm sure Brother Gardener, Brother Shumway, and Brother Gover were interesting enough.

I was asked to talk about agency, But I can't.

Oh, I wanted to, I spent two weeks agonizing over this, looking through scriptures and past talks for inspiration but it seems I can't talk about our great gift that is agency.

The irony is not lost on me.

This is why I've chosen to be sick today, and I apologize for not coming in, but really, even if you don't forgive me, I'm going to Puerto Rico, so... oh well!

Actually, to be completely honest, I'm not sure I was meant to give this talk at all, Maybe I did something wrong and God was mad at me, or maybe it was just DESTINY!

Yes, it was my destiny to fail at this talk about agency and prove to you and myself that I'm just not meant to be a public speaker.

So instead i'm writing this letter about... me- And maybe you. I want to talk about how each one of you, just by being you, saved me from losing myself.

I'm kind of a creep, I know that doesn't sound right to any of you, but let me explain myself,

I

Love

you.

each and every one of you. When I look into your eyes I am completely blown away with what you can be. I FEEL so much for each of you and Many of you don't even know my favorite color!

...Do you see the problem here? How do I convey to you ALL individually that I support you ALL and am willing to give anything if it means you'll find your way?

I don't know if it's possible, not without either turning my naivete' into meaningless tools for the lackadaisical or becoming a superhero -which would be awesome...

But that's not the worst of it. If this letter proves nothing else, it shows that I CANNOT give you what I wish I could show you with every fiber of my being.

My desire to help is far greater than my ability to do so, and For much of my life I was trapped by the conclusion that if I couldn't be there for all of you, I couldn't be there for any of you.

So I'm staying in bed.

This talk was meant to be my gift to you for all that each of you have done for me. For putting up with me when I came to class half asleep, when I didn't call you back because I forgot, for being nice to me while I was your home teacher, and for taking the time to listen to all the weird things I had to say.

They say it takes an village to raise an Idiot-or something like that-and I have to agree with them. I wouldn't be going on my mission, proud and happy, if it wasn't for your choices.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell you about agency, but I hope that knowing you helped make someone who's trying to save the world is cool.

Sincerely, Elder Barnes.

Well, Turns out I did find myself here, and I AM going to tell you that Agency is a gift from God from the premortal life that gives us the opportunity to find true and everlasting happiness, if we so choose it.

No, it's not nessecary for you to find it, you don't HAVE to do ANY of these things, but if I could give you one thing, I would give you the taste that I was given of what we can be.

Agency is the ability to choose our consequences, which I can understand if that comes across as quite limiting. Like a credit card, we can grab and hide with personal pleasures all we want, but If we didn't work for it and make it an honest part of ourselves, it will destroy us.

False claims to substance will only sustain us for so long.

But we're taught that if we can learn to work with the rules we've been given, we find there are higher laws that open up the world, and actually make the laws of physics quite beautiful.

I'm not going to lie, this mission is going to be a real test for me, to see if I really can walk the walk, as they say, but I'm really only nervous that they're going to make me talk more talks,

because I'm not afraid of wearing myself out. I'm counting on it! But I'm really going to be leaving my comfort zone out there.

But I'm not nervouse

... well, I hope you like 'em Short and Sweet, 'cause I don't have much else. But I want to testify to you that our decisions ripple out and touch many more lives than we think, and in turn everyone acts on It's like Billions of universes crammed on a ball and consciously

or not teaching each other what it means to be human. We're maturing as a people, and thanks especially to technology we are gobally connected. The truth is slowly becoming easier and easier to find, But we will always be dependant on eachother down here. I bear witness that those that seek to produce happiness are the ones that will be the happiest, and I humbly pray you all may come to learn this In the sacred name of Jesus Christ Amen

17 days left

These are the lyrics to a song I'm recording right now. I should be finished by the end of this week, and then you can hear the thing for realz!!


Anyway, *cough, it's a serious song, dripping with sarcasm and satire or something like that, I hope you enjoy it anyway!


ok, here we go.


Just Maybe by Cody-me


A Family fight in a happy home
It's just like a joke that just shouldn't be told :/
and maybe it's "all good" in the end
but I missed the punchline again...

And maybe I'm just crazy!
maybe I don't understand,
I guess I need to pay attention,
but something feels so wrong...
in here...


If I don't want a girlfriend, does that mean that I'm gay?
Why can't I just save MYSELF and live in a cave?
...Yeah it kinda hurts to be all alone.
But I'm doing better on my own!

And maybe I deserve this!
Well I hope it doesn't show
I'm shaky I'm so nervous,
I guess I'm reaping what I sow
well I'll do it with a smile...

And once again I've hurt myself,
trying to save the world
I seem to think that small and nice,
is better than being cool
And EVERYBODY knows that
intelligence is low and
the government's lying,
but what if it's our PERSONAL egos
that will kill us all in the end?

OR MAYBE I'M JUST CRAZY.
and maybe.. uh... i don't know.. O.O
Maybe I should shut up.
or better yet I'll go!
Far away
far away
I'll go so far away and I'll leave you with a smile.

Thrice "All the world is Mad" Observed

We are saints made of plaster, our laughter is canned;

We are demons that hide in the mirror.

But the blood on our hands paints a picture exceedingly clear.

We are brimming with cumbersome, murderous greed,

And malevolence deep and profound.

We do unspeakable deeds, does our wickedness know any bounds?

Something's gone terribly wrong,

with everyone!

All the world is mad!

Darkness brings terrible things; the sun is gone -

What vanity! our sad, wretched fires.

We can't medicate man to perfection again;

We can't legislate peace in our hearts.

We can't educate sin from our souls, it's been there from the start.

But the blind lead the blind into bottomless pits,

Still we smile and deny that we're cursed?

of all of our iniquities ignorance may be the worst.

Something's gone terribly wrong,

with everyone!

All the world is mad!

Darkness brings terrible things; the son is gone -

What vanity our sad, wretched fires.

Oh, what little light we have!

It only serves to show

The snares and seeds of wrath

We have already sewn on every path 

Something's gone terribly wrong,

with everyone!

All the world is mad!

Darkness brings terrible things; the son is gone -

What vanity our sad, wretched fires.

This poem sheds light on what we very well could be, but it doesn't have to be this way!

There IS a truth, there IS a peace that can be found in this Mad World if we could only learn to see it. I've touched it, I know it, but I don't understand it enough to use it as I should.

I pray wish with every fiber in my being that you never lose hope.

Just a thought.

You are what, 5'6", 6'? maybe 6'8" if you're pituitary gland is a little excitable? How long does it take for you to walk a mile? ten miles? How big around is the earth? Pretty stinking big- WRONG

Imagine space is a bathtub-no, better yet, the dead sea. A vast body of water completely devoid of life, and earth is just that freak little rubber ducky with mold on it. We are the mold.

How have we managed to survive this long? Floating through the bleak nothingness, black holes and meteors threatening to smear us across the solar system and you have NO clue as you sit back and text on the freeway. Radiation barrages us ceaselessly but it just so HAPPENS that earth's magnetic field is strong enough to hold the brunt of it at bay. Just enough that you can be satisfied by a pair of sunglasses and some sunscreen.

And although you feel like it will be FOREVER before you get out of school once it's past it will be FOREVER before you get a job, before you get married, before you die. And all of this in a space of what, eighty years?

You are SO small. That guy outside staring at you through the window is a dot on a slightly bigger dot in a sea of dots. and that sea could very well be on the back of a turtle in some universe sized aquarium. But he can't comprehend that, and neither can we. It doesn't even compute how many children are dying under the baking sun in Africa, their small worlds extinguishing before they know what their favorite color is. Before they taste ice cream. There could be an intergalactic war just one galaxy away. MILLIONS of people being torn from their families, tortured, and murdered while you complain about the zit on your forehead. WEIRD huh?

So many people throughout history have seen this and decided affecting other peoples lives are what make a man important. To be remembered is to be immortal.Others look at this and say "screw that, I'm here for me" and become a level 80 druid on World of Warcraft.

So yeah, I can see where atheists are coming from. I still think they're missing something, but maybe that's just my ego begging to be justified. I think I've been standing on this ledge for a long time now. Looking at the vast unknown trying to build up the courage to take a leap of faith. I WANT to believe in myself. I want to believe that these chemicals flooding my brain are doing it for a reason! It sounds so immature, but what else can I do then what my dumb heart tells me to?

Restless

I want to think that if other people thought like me, the world would be a better place. But if my mind was so special, how come I haven't done anything with myself? Why am I still sitting here with barely a high-school education ,with no patents, no projects, not even recorded music?
So the only conclusion I can come to is that I'm NOT special. Everyone thinks like me, Everyone feels this SOMETHING burning within them, everyone hopes and tries and fights themselves in their personal minds, and yet so few take advantage of this potential they all feel.
BUT HOW COULD THAT BE!??

It Couldn't. No. People would pay more attention if they thought like me. I'm not short-sighted enough to rob a bank, cheat on a test or friend.... am I? Even with my small spectrum of experiences, I HAVE done SO many things that even as they happened I KNEW were stupid. ...I think... Part of me would really like to think that maybe, just maybe, my mistakes were somehow for the best in the grand scheme of things. Like God knew that me doing this would make someone think of this and the butterfly effect would cause something really, REALLY good to happen in china... or ... something...
Yeah, I know it's just wishful thinking.

I need to go to bed

Just got back from california.

Yup, spontaneous road trips are pretty common around these parts. For those who don't know, it's roughly a twelve hour drive from my house to San Diego, so most people would spend at least three days out there, saving lots of money and planning weeks in advance. Not us, we got the Idea last Wednesday, I was COMPLETELY broke, and we stayed for a little more then 24 hours.
It was cool. The beach was nice, surfers and oysters, and my brother showed me this way tight secret sushi bar. Probably the best sushi in this arm of the galaxy. But that's just a guess.

Wee


I'm bored of blogging

Week of numbing Epilogue

In his attempts to fall numb to the anxieties of waiting for things to happen, the subject fell comatose by Wednesday 4 am. At Wednesday 10:21 am, the subject was declared dead.

He was a whiner anyway, so whatev's.