Just a thought.

You are what, 5'6", 6'? maybe 6'8" if you're pituitary gland is a little excitable? How long does it take for you to walk a mile? ten miles? How big around is the earth? Pretty stinking big- WRONG

Imagine space is a bathtub-no, better yet, the dead sea. A vast body of water completely devoid of life, and earth is just that freak little rubber ducky with mold on it. We are the mold.

How have we managed to survive this long? Floating through the bleak nothingness, black holes and meteors threatening to smear us across the solar system and you have NO clue as you sit back and text on the freeway. Radiation barrages us ceaselessly but it just so HAPPENS that earth's magnetic field is strong enough to hold the brunt of it at bay. Just enough that you can be satisfied by a pair of sunglasses and some sunscreen.

And although you feel like it will be FOREVER before you get out of school once it's past it will be FOREVER before you get a job, before you get married, before you die. And all of this in a space of what, eighty years?

You are SO small. That guy outside staring at you through the window is a dot on a slightly bigger dot in a sea of dots. and that sea could very well be on the back of a turtle in some universe sized aquarium. But he can't comprehend that, and neither can we. It doesn't even compute how many children are dying under the baking sun in Africa, their small worlds extinguishing before they know what their favorite color is. Before they taste ice cream. There could be an intergalactic war just one galaxy away. MILLIONS of people being torn from their families, tortured, and murdered while you complain about the zit on your forehead. WEIRD huh?

So many people throughout history have seen this and decided affecting other peoples lives are what make a man important. To be remembered is to be immortal.Others look at this and say "screw that, I'm here for me" and become a level 80 druid on World of Warcraft.

So yeah, I can see where atheists are coming from. I still think they're missing something, but maybe that's just my ego begging to be justified. I think I've been standing on this ledge for a long time now. Looking at the vast unknown trying to build up the courage to take a leap of faith. I WANT to believe in myself. I want to believe that these chemicals flooding my brain are doing it for a reason! It sounds so immature, but what else can I do then what my dumb heart tells me to?

Restless

I want to think that if other people thought like me, the world would be a better place. But if my mind was so special, how come I haven't done anything with myself? Why am I still sitting here with barely a high-school education ,with no patents, no projects, not even recorded music?
So the only conclusion I can come to is that I'm NOT special. Everyone thinks like me, Everyone feels this SOMETHING burning within them, everyone hopes and tries and fights themselves in their personal minds, and yet so few take advantage of this potential they all feel.
BUT HOW COULD THAT BE!??

It Couldn't. No. People would pay more attention if they thought like me. I'm not short-sighted enough to rob a bank, cheat on a test or friend.... am I? Even with my small spectrum of experiences, I HAVE done SO many things that even as they happened I KNEW were stupid. ...I think... Part of me would really like to think that maybe, just maybe, my mistakes were somehow for the best in the grand scheme of things. Like God knew that me doing this would make someone think of this and the butterfly effect would cause something really, REALLY good to happen in china... or ... something...
Yeah, I know it's just wishful thinking.

I need to go to bed

Just got back from california.

Yup, spontaneous road trips are pretty common around these parts. For those who don't know, it's roughly a twelve hour drive from my house to San Diego, so most people would spend at least three days out there, saving lots of money and planning weeks in advance. Not us, we got the Idea last Wednesday, I was COMPLETELY broke, and we stayed for a little more then 24 hours.
It was cool. The beach was nice, surfers and oysters, and my brother showed me this way tight secret sushi bar. Probably the best sushi in this arm of the galaxy. But that's just a guess.

Wee


I'm bored of blogging

Week of numbing Epilogue

In his attempts to fall numb to the anxieties of waiting for things to happen, the subject fell comatose by Wednesday 4 am. At Wednesday 10:21 am, the subject was declared dead.

He was a whiner anyway, so whatev's.

Tuesday

Progress progress progress.

I'm kinda sick today, but it's going to take a lot more than a little necrosis and limb numbness to stop me from blogging!
My days have been good to me this week (as depressing as my blog tends to sound) Things are good. Friends and family come and things go, winter was cold but if you blink too slow you could miss spring and fall right into summer's lap. That's the glorious thing about time, in my opinion. It goes on.

The Week of numbing- Monday

MONDAY

Today it rained.
I opened up my eyes to the sound of cat's crying for attention and dogs laughing at their dependency on us, the masters. I walked down the hall as rain poured down the stairs. Dirty rain, the kind that you only see removed by those special stain cleaners on late night TV scams.
I'm feeling sick, and I don't know if it's cause I stayed up until three again or because my friend had a miscarriage, but I'm trying really hard to pretend I'm just hungry.
Because I Am hungry.
I take the time to consume an orange, turkey, toast, a banana smothered in peanut butter and t2o cups of milk in hopes that this somehow covers all my dietary needs for the day. I'm trying to ignore that persistent downpour that drowns out the cheery "good mornings" I would otherwise hear. I'm really thirsty, but as I raise my cup to the sky to partake of this heavenly hydration I am not refreshed. Instead my stomach is filled with dread because I know I'll have to drink more later to survive.
I spend as much of the day as I can smoking computer games. I don't know why.
Outside the rain comes down, desecrating the valley with a mocking promise to cleanse and revitalize. I'm inside, but that only means I can't run.
My only comfort is the knowledge that it can only touch my body. This black rain can flood the world but it will never seep inside me. With years of careful immunization I've become desensitized enough that the icy liquid's only effect on me is sadness and tired eyes. Because of my discipline my joy is never truly extinguished even as my friends pressure me into drinking so that they can feel comfortable.

At the end of the day I am grateful that mondays only happen once a week.

I should have just gone to bed.

It's described as a hollow feeling, though I disagree when they add "like someone ripped out your heart". More like you never had one to begin with. Just a shell with a black hole trying to suck your ribs in. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep or move or think. It feels like a sin against nature that I even exist, that I have connection with the world at all. I am completely helpless to this gloom- oh, there are pills, exercises, meetings, books, but in the end, The only cure is time.

They say everyone feels like this from time to time. It's worse for some then for others. I guess it's just a chemical shortage in the brain.