I am angry today

I do not want to be here. I do not want to be around people. I do not want to be SO STUPID. I do not want to be quiet. I do not want to feel weak.

Am I just not being honest with myself?



RRRRgle!


I'm getting tired of this discontentment. For years whenever I've prayed a small part of me asks God to just slap me with the truth. I don't care if it hurts, if I could just KNOW that things are going the right way. That I'm NOT delusional and naive or wasting my time on all the wrong things.


And God said unto his son, Cody:
"Geez Cody, stop being dumb! Look, you're messing up here and here and here. And if you could just look at the world like THIS and start working on THIS, things will go right. You are not going to be a waste. You get it now? GOOD. Calm down man!"

But I know it can't work that way. Our Stupid human brains get too distracted by all the wrong things when God tries that stuff.

"omg I just SAW G!!"

"Wow, look at how stupid everyone else is!"

"I'm more special then the pope!"


More likely than not I too would wander off on a tangent and forget.
As someone Emily Dickinson wrote:

Tell all truth, but tell it slant.
Success in circuit lies.
Too bright for our infirm delight,
Is truth’s superb surprise.
As lightning to the children eased
With explanation kind,
The truth must dazzle gradually,
Or every man be blind.


And I get the feeling she's on to something.


.... Blah.

So onward through life I travel. Sometimes sprinting,
sometimes dancing (for better or for worse), sometimes c. r. a. w. l. i. n. g..
Living life Rarely with any comfort other than gratitude. Knowledge that regardless of the future I have so many blessed memories. So many moments great and small that remind me that life really is beautiful, inspiring, kind. And like even the worst kidney stone, my dark times will pass.

Wow. I feel a little better already.