Tuesday

Progress progress progress.

I'm kinda sick today, but it's going to take a lot more than a little necrosis and limb numbness to stop me from blogging!
My days have been good to me this week (as depressing as my blog tends to sound) Things are good. Friends and family come and things go, winter was cold but if you blink too slow you could miss spring and fall right into summer's lap. That's the glorious thing about time, in my opinion. It goes on.

The Week of numbing- Monday

MONDAY

Today it rained.
I opened up my eyes to the sound of cat's crying for attention and dogs laughing at their dependency on us, the masters. I walked down the hall as rain poured down the stairs. Dirty rain, the kind that you only see removed by those special stain cleaners on late night TV scams.
I'm feeling sick, and I don't know if it's cause I stayed up until three again or because my friend had a miscarriage, but I'm trying really hard to pretend I'm just hungry.
Because I Am hungry.
I take the time to consume an orange, turkey, toast, a banana smothered in peanut butter and t2o cups of milk in hopes that this somehow covers all my dietary needs for the day. I'm trying to ignore that persistent downpour that drowns out the cheery "good mornings" I would otherwise hear. I'm really thirsty, but as I raise my cup to the sky to partake of this heavenly hydration I am not refreshed. Instead my stomach is filled with dread because I know I'll have to drink more later to survive.
I spend as much of the day as I can smoking computer games. I don't know why.
Outside the rain comes down, desecrating the valley with a mocking promise to cleanse and revitalize. I'm inside, but that only means I can't run.
My only comfort is the knowledge that it can only touch my body. This black rain can flood the world but it will never seep inside me. With years of careful immunization I've become desensitized enough that the icy liquid's only effect on me is sadness and tired eyes. Because of my discipline my joy is never truly extinguished even as my friends pressure me into drinking so that they can feel comfortable.

At the end of the day I am grateful that mondays only happen once a week.

I should have just gone to bed.

It's described as a hollow feeling, though I disagree when they add "like someone ripped out your heart". More like you never had one to begin with. Just a shell with a black hole trying to suck your ribs in. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep or move or think. It feels like a sin against nature that I even exist, that I have connection with the world at all. I am completely helpless to this gloom- oh, there are pills, exercises, meetings, books, but in the end, The only cure is time.

They say everyone feels like this from time to time. It's worse for some then for others. I guess it's just a chemical shortage in the brain.

I should be better because no one else is trying. I should be honest because everybody lies

A friend of mine brought up an interesting observation the other day. If someone sees a butterfly caught in a spider web, their first instinct is to save it. Surely without help the butterfly will die, and most people feel a noble sort of obligation to save a beautiful creature like a butterfly. But looking at the other side we know that without that butterfly, the spider we stole it from will starve. That SHOULD be just as wrong, no matter how scared you are of spiders they are just as much a living animal as a butterfly.

Don't like bugs? Fine, how about bears eating deer? Orca eating penguins? Cats and birds? People eating cats? In any of these examples the point remains that once something like this is witnessed one feels a sense of responsibility to take action, and even by inaction in a way we decide the fate of those creatures. Either way, someone gets hurt and we knew it.

As the Indian gurus and American hippies say, "there's a natural way of nature". Up until the Homo-Sapien there was a balance on our mother earth, even though all animals were striving for world domination in pretty much the same way we were.
Survival of the fittest, eat and be eaten, mindlessly doing ANYthing necessary to prolong your species. We just happen to be the best at it, so we came out on top.
Isn't that weird that humans have come up with the idea that it's wrong to be like this? That we believe there's some way to make Everyone happy? Why do we WANT everyone to be happy? I mean sure we're social creatures, but so are ants and birds, and they wouldn't give spit if one of their comrades died. For them it's just about using each other. We've got it into our heads that other people not only have feelings but even deserve power and freedom of their own.

Maybe the correct answer is to free the butterfly, but then reform the spider. Take it home and set it up to eat all the flies and bugs that hurt your home. Teach the bear to be comfortable eating cat food and the occasional burglar. That way your just defending yourself from others, and maybe there's even a way to set up homes for those creatures you don't like.. But.. hold on. Shouldn't a correct answer stay correct even on a large scale? It's not fair if only a small number of people can do the right thing! So THEN what happens? Save the trees save the whales and the lions save the wolves and the hippopotamus (hippopotami?), get meat eaters to eat fast-food and special nutrition bars, You now have a planet bursting at the seams with animals that only die by accidents, old age, and meteors.

Well, if the planet is getting too full we obviously need only to spread out! spend a few years "terraforming", and start putting life on other planets!

.YES.

and with all the animals reformed and working together (under us) we can reach levels of productivity like never before! We'll get rid of disease! Cure cancer! Learn to transfer brains into new bodies and we will become a cornucopia of immortal creatures spreading across the galaxy like a plague of lawful/good slime-mold!!
Isn't it freaky to think that in fifty years, this could totally be possible?


And yet as fantastic as it sounds.. there is something very WRONG about it, isn't there? What makes us cringe is the thought of us over using our power to mess with the way things were before we got here. Nobody wants to be the fat loud American that comes into a country and tears everything up.

So we watch the predator eat the prey.

Not going crazy

I've probably never mentioned this, but I have a tendency to chortle deviously when I realize something horrible about the world/my situation/other people. It really isn't something I can control without concentrating on it really hard, and it's one reason I'm glad I don't share a room with someone (I tend to let it all out right before I go to sleep. Sometimes minutes on end). It's not a very pleasant giggle either, but a maniacal half whimper that sort of bUrsts from my lungs without warning.
I bring this up because recently whenever I've realized a girl was flirting with me I've had to run away and literally take a moment to compose myself.
I wonder if this is because I'm leaving on my mission soon...

Man, my blog sucks

So the other day my friend comes to me and she's REALLY happy. This isn't really strange but I asked her why anyway. In response she showed me this blog


HYPERBOLE AND A HALF
Google it!

You should go there too. I recommend it to anyone that can read with their eyes.
Reading just a post or two brightens up my day. It's hilarious!

But anyway, I was saying:

I was looking at it and giggling and all that jazz, and looked back at my blog

O.O

T-T

I wish I was funny

My complaints

It's been a while since I've tried to write
tried to fight
I've been sitting here beneath the light
of this plastic halo that's getting too heavy for me
I'm not afraid
nah, I've never been afraid
not afraid of the world, at least.

I'm getting SO tired of being reminded how stupid I am!
It's high time I start moving on
write a song
move to LA and wear a thong
OR SOMETHING!

You know you're in trouble
when you're dreaming of change
ANY change
begging for it so much you vote on the first guy that sings it out...
But no
The last thing I want is to wake up and wonder who I could have been
Hell Is knowing things could have been better

Regrets? I've had a few
I envy those who brag of such freedom
I wish I hadn't asked
I wish I hadn't said
I wish I hadn't looked
I wish I hadn't kissed her in the cold night as she crossed her fingers
But what can you do, you know?
I try to move on,
keeping a sharp eye on the big picture
crossing the other
to see the future
You wonder why my face is funny?
It's what I get for thinking too much!
Hahah... ah...

I'm beginning to doubt that anyone can help me
You can't fix what isn't broken, right?
And me? I'm not broken!
You have to be made for something first to know it you aren't working right
RIGHT?
...
No, this really is not working
monkey wrenches might suffice to replace suspenders
But you still know there's something better out there..
Out There....
I really hope there's something for me to be looking for out there.